alright so: i think one other reason i haven't been posting here as much is
just, like, i feel like nothing *big* has happened, or rather, nothing that i
could write about feels "worth it". like it's all minor stuff, as opposed to the
big stuff i've written here in the past. and that's a bad way to go about this.
so i'm gonna try to just, write more often, about mundane shit. this is my place
to complain about shit that doesn't really matter. i should embrace that or
something.

1. i'm like, introverted, but in a weird way. like, partially it's just if i
don't have anything to say i won't talk, and i regain energy by being alone (i
know that's the actual definition of introverted but realistically when people
say "introvert" that's not entirely what they mean), but also sometimes i
actually *do* have things to say, but i still don't say them. lots of reasons
for this, it kinda partially ties back to the whole not writing here thing? but
basically sometimes i feel like what i say isn't desired or it's unwanted, it
doesn't add anything, people will find me annoying, blablabla. or saying
something would likely involve starting a conversation of sorts, and sometimes i
don't have the energy for that and don't want to commit to that. so i just,
don't say things. but then i feel shitty cuz i think huh people must think i
just don't care or i genuinely have nothing to say, and yeah. kinda a circle and
really it's mostly just a circle of self-loathing, which is super cool

2. i, really like talking about deep things with people. like, i mean, emotional
stuff. if someone is venting to me about shit they're going through or whatever
they're struggling with, i love being the one to listen, just to be that person
who they can vent to. i feel like it's just helpful for everyone, and also it
gives me the feeling that i'm being a Good Friend and stuff and that's just
really nice :)

3. i wrote something a while back on here (actually i've written this multiple
times) about how i felt like it kinda sucked not being recognized for the stuff
i was making and the work i was putting into it and all that. i've singled out
generic tetromino game in most (all) of these things, where i felt like, no one
really cared. and, well, there's now someone else who is sending patches and
shit, and told me that they're working on a mod, and that's really nice :) i
know it's only one person but weirdly it feels like more than that, i guess. i
mean, here's the thing. when i felt like people didn't care, it kinda got to me,
and now, it doesn't feel like, oh i'm super happy now, or thinking about this
makes me really happy. it just feels like, an absense of sadness. but that being
said, i will NOT complain about an absense of sadness lmao

4. fuck i have my interview tomorrow. i'm simultaneously nervous and also
winging it and just going fuck it whatever we'll see what happens. because i
both want to look good in the interview and stuff, but i also kinda, don't want
the job? like this goes for both jobs i applied for. like if i get accepted for
one of them i'll most likely take the offer, but i also kinda don't want to get
accepted. there's other things i'd rather do than work at either of these
places. and it's weird because i brought this up with my parents and we did talk
about it for a while and they genuinely were receptive and did listen but, at
the end, it just cycled back to one of these fuckin jobs. and who knows, maybe i
won't mind it. hell, maybe i'll actually enjoy it. i talked to a friend
yesterday who said that she actually really enjoys work (she just got a job),
and it's a job at target where she restocks shelves and stuff. but it's a very
active job, where she's like, around people, but also not constantly interacting
with people. and she said she really likes it. and maybe i'll be just like that.
i'll have my job that i mostly enjoy doing, then in my free time i do other
non-job-related hobbies, and that's a good balance or something. that could be
what happens. but even still... i'm not excited. not that i don't think this is
likely (i don't think it's unlikely either, i just genuinely have no idea), but
i just don't want to. i'm kinda content where i'm at right now. i don't feel
that shitty. but like this is what's happening, so i guess i gotta roll with it
for now

5. have been doing much less stuff for hare (and just in general, outside of
hare) than i wish i was. like there's things that would be nice to get done, but
i just haven't been doing that much. no reason why i guess. i don't feel more
sad than usual, i just haven't been doing as much as i wish i was. and i guess
that's a bad attitude since something something i'm defined by who i am and not
by my productivity or what i do, like yeah that's all true and i get that, and i
also get that holding myself to high standards and then inevitably failing to
meet said standards and deeming myself a failure is something i often do, but
this doesn't feel like that. it just feels like i'm not doing as much as i wish
i was, and i wish i did more *because* i get a lot of satisfaction out of doing
this stuff.

6. sometimes i worry if people find me annoying. i know this isn't an uncommon
thing, but yeah i do it lol. sometimes irrational and i know it's irrational but
i do it anyway, sometimes genuine concern. one symptom of this goes back to
thing #1 that i said, just, not talking, and just doing my own thing without
interacting with others. which then i swing too far in that direction and then
it's bad but in a different way, social life is about finding a balance and fuck
is it difficult, i envy people who can just, do it

7. back to that friend who got a job and stuff. it kinda sucks cuz i can't talk
to her as much. and i get it but it just kinda sucks. it's not a huge deal i
guess, i mean hell this is happening at the same time as all that stuff about me
isolating myself out of fear for how i'm perceived so like they cancel out a
little bit? idk lol