interesting that i haven't been writing here as much lately. i think it just
shows that life has been largely uneventful. in a good way, i think? i mean i
don't think it's really a bad thing, idk. i'm writing rn for two reasons. 1 is
that i just want to write more often anyways, like even if there's not much to
say, i think this is still good. 2 is that i had a kinda minor-ish breakdown
earlier today cuz i was applying for some jobs and i realized fuck this is what
i'm doing now huh. like i'm not entirely convinced this is actually better than
college. in a weird way, submit applications almost kinda felt, like, selling
away a part of my soul. and that's definitely just me being overdramatic or
whatever, but it's kinda how i felt. and i kinda had to hide it in front of my
parents and act like i wasn't dying inside. every single fucking place talks
about how different they are, how they aren't just a place to work, they're
special and different or some bullshit. and i've always known this and always
hated this and recongized the bullshit, but now i'm actually living it. and i
fucking hate it but i feel like i don't have any other choice. so i'm trying to
not jump to any conclusions here, i mean who knows maybe it won't actually be
that bad. i somehow already have an in-person interview in a bit over a week, so
there's that.

also talked to a friend yesterday who's struggling with stuff, and i swear there
was stuff here i was gonna write about that but i completely forgot, so maybe
i'll do that later if i remember

anyways life sucks but it's not sucking too much, we'll see where all this goes