so, okay,,

i spent most of the day sleeping, because i wasn't doing anything else, and
like, idk, yeah idk.

i *want* to do things, i really do. like, not even just in a sense of "it would
be nice if i had the motivation to do $thing", but like "i actively want to do
$thing", but then i just don't. specifically with anything related to hare,
like, i have a huge list of stuff i WANT to do. and it's not like the list is so
big i'm overwhelmed by it, no, i can just pick and choose stuff from it, that's
not a big deal, but i'm just, not doing anything. i think part of it is that i
feel like it's no longer as much of something i'm just doing for fun anymore. it
feels like i *need* to do certain things, like it's just expected of me, and
that's draining me of all the motivation i'd have. but motivation doesn't even
feel like the right word. like, it's almost like i want to work on it but
whenever i do i just don't feel anything, there's no positive feedback loop or
anything and it just drains me so i stop and don't start again.

and i know that if i didn't have this block there's a lot of stuff i'd be able
to finish up and send out, like, a *lot* of stuff. but i think that makes it
worse even, like the longer i don't do things the more i should be sending when
i finally DO do stuff?

it all comes back to the thing about what's expected of me, huh. i'm very weary
of making conclusions like this as i've said on here before, since i don't
actually know anything and in the past i've been lead to conclusions about
myself that i don't think are actually true. but this one feels like it just,
explains so much. and i think it's a good thing. i finally feel like there's
something about my problems that i actually UNDERSTAND, and so ok cool now i can
actually do something about this. not that it's gonna cure all of my problems or
anything, but at least it's *something*.

and there's self-destructive thoughts that come with all of this that i try to
avoid but they always end up creeping back in. it's always variations of not
being enough. like in this case i really don't deserve the role i have with hare
maintainership, given how little i've been actually doing recently and how much
others HAVE been doing. and idk maybe it's true to an extent, whatever, it's not
helping me feel better about any of this though

in conclusion: everything that i do is for other people. ig that's not bad on
it's own but the way i'm letting it get to me, it's not healthy

but like, i feel like there's still lots of expectations of me regarding hare.
and not for nothing, like not unwarranted, but then i just feel like extra shit
when i don't meet them. because again, i KNOW that i'm capable of doing so.

in other better news i'm going home in like, uh, 3 days? give or take? so that's
exciting. actually this reminds me: my biggest fear about streaming is that it
too will stop being fun if i start to treat it as an obligation, or, it becomes
just a thing i do for others, if that makes sense. maybe not. probably shouldn't
think of it rn, i'll figure that out once i actually get to it