so for a change this isn't super Emotional, it's just a thing i thought about
recently. actually, i wrote this down a few days ago, just as a passing thought,
and i've been thinking about it.

"nostalgia is fundamentally irretrievable"

which like, yeah, ig it's pretty simple. like, i'm not ever really nostalgic for
*things*, i'm nostalgic for the memories/events/time associated with said thing.
all the context surrounding it. i'm nostalgic for what life was like when i was
doing a thing. sometimes that means being young in general, but, recently i've
had feelings that i can only really describe as nostalgia, but for things that
happened pretty recently. like, less than a year ago recent. i wish i could come
up with examples but i can't rn lmao. but i guess it's the realization, that, i
can't bring any of that back. i can't, like, relive those moments, because the
moments are gone. like, take the basic example of being nostalgic for some
childhood game. sure i can play that game again, best case scenario i remember
damn this was a good game, maybe some memories come rushing back or something,
worst case scenario i realize the game actually kinda sucks (which happens
sometimes lol), but like, it doesn't alleviate the feelings. i don't feel
satisfied after playing it, like ah i was nostalgic for this thing and now i
have the thing again. no, i'm still nostalgic for the thing, despite having the
thing. cuz it's not the thing i'm actually nostalgic for. i think i'm repeating
myself. but like the same thing applies to other things too, that aren't really
associated with nostalgia. like, if you broke up with someone a while back and
you really miss them and you want to text them or something. that's not really
"nostalgia", but it's the same deal of reminiscing about a previous time in life
and wanting to get that back by doing something in the present, as though that's
even possible. and it makes sense in this example because yeah texting an ex
usually doesn't end well, obviously. basically i guess what i'm saying is i have
feelings like this a lot and it kinda sucks coming to the realization that
there's not much i can really do about them. i'm a different person now than i
even was a little under a year ago, no attempts to bring back experiences of my
past self is going to truly be successful in the way i want it to be.

as an aside it would be cool if i was able to ariculate my thoughts without
writing a giant paragraph where i repeat myself 5 times saying something that
probably could be said in a few sentences, and still somehow not actually
managing to convey what i really want to say

anyways i should sleep, nite nite