holy shit, it's just

every single fucking thing

every task i need to do, every responsibility i have, whether it's something i
impose on myself or an ACTUAL thing i need to do, it doesn't fucking matter

if i succeed, if i'm able to do it, i feel nothing. it's taken for granted.
congratulations, you did the bare minimum by doing what was expected of you.

if i fail, which is usually more likely, especially since i define failure for
myself as literally anything short of reaching the goal, then it's a setback,
but like, on a personal level. not just, ah i wasn't able to do the thing, it's
fundamentally who i am as a person. i interalize the failure as part of who i
am.

every single fucking thing

how the hell have i not gone insane yet