god where do i even go from here. i can't just do nothing with my life. as in, i
literally can't, i have to do something in order to survive. but then how am i
supposed to feel content with myself if i'm always chasing something

i sometimes have thoughts of the reality log being, *more* than it currently is.
i can't explain how or what i mean by that because i don't fully understand
myself, but basically the thoughts of being more are getting here too. this
place can't ever be anything more than it currently is. or i'll end up losing
this too. just because of my own self-destructive thoughts.

but, again, part of what this is is something that i want others to read and get
something out of. boom, there's the expectation. this place hasn't ever really
been just about me, as much as that's been the intention. even here, a place to
just offload and not need to worry about anything else, not need to worry about
how stuff here is perceived, even here! it's, it's like it's all a performance.
but i can never get things quite right, i'm always looking to improve but to a
point that i can't be satisfied with how far i've come, because hey that just
means there's more to do, i'm not enough yet.