i kinda dont like how i often don't have motivation to do things, including
talking to people or even making people aware that i exist.

like, rn i'm just intentionally ignoring everything so it's as if i'm asleep.
and it's not that i don't want to do things, i do, i just, well, hm i don't
know, i don't understand it at all. like there's things i want to say and
interact with, i literally have some messages typed out that i'm just planning
on sending later when i'm """awake""", + there's things i want to work on and
do, like related to hare and hare-c and stuff, and i'm just not doing it and it
fucking sucks.

i said pretty recently something about how there's always gonna be people i look
up to, who are just, me but better, and idk i've been thinking about that a bit,
and there's some things i want to add to that. first of all, it applies for
every part of who i am. originally when i said it it was about, like, what i'm
capable of. the stuff i'm able to do, the rate at which i can do it (and again i
know these are metrics that i shouldn't care about as much as i do, but, i do
for some reason. probably because i've been praised about these in the past and
i need to live up to that or else i'm failing people or not worthy of what i
have blablabla). and that still absolutely holds true, like with hare and stuff,
there's a lot of things i WANT to do, hell occasionally i actually Do things!
but others are doing a lot more, a lot faster, and also better than me too. and
yeah that's not a bad thing but i keep comparing myself to others and making
myself feel like a failure because of it. but the other thing is, just,
personality in general. like, i was thinking about this last night cuz i was
talking to a friend, and i realized like, huh, she's really charismatic and
funny and clever and, now my personality isn't enough either. because i look at
1. the personality stuff i'm not really, good at, and see that hey she's great
at it and i kinda wish i was too (which yeah unhealthy outlook on things, it's
just where i'm at), and also the stuff that actually *does* kinda define me, and
oh wait it also kinda defines her too, so i'm just, a lesser version of, yeah
it's not good and i don't want to think like this. but like, there's two things
that lead me down this train of thought (or rather, *keep* me thinking like
this). it's the same reason i think about this stuff in general, that being that
i have expectations i need to live up to, and also like, if i fail to meet this
idealized version of myself that doesn't exist and never will exist and i just
made up, then people won't want to hang out with me or be friends or anything. i
know this isn't true. but the reasoning goes that if there's others who are just
me but, like, better at being me than i am, then what reason is there to be with
me instead of them? it's shit like this that completely demotivates me from
doing, *anything*. working on the things i otherwise enjoy, doing this i think i
want to, i mean hell up until this point the idea of streaming seemed really fun
and i was really looking forward to it, and now i'm just worried about living up
to some ideal that i'll realistically never be able to, and thinking why the
hell would anyone care to watch what i'm doing, and suddenly it sounds a lot
less fun. i'm still gonna do it, i'm just, worried. so many of these thoughts,
and actually so much of what i write here in general, is wanting to be someone
else. someone similar, but just, better. less flawed. more consistent. less
stupid. more charismatic. etc, there's always more, there's always ways i could
be better. and i need to learn how to live like this, be content with who i am
right now, and fight against the thoughts that i'm not enough.

i wonder what i'm "known" for, currently. if that makes any sense. like i really
don't do that much, and the stuff that i actually do lots of people don't care
about that much. honestly i think to some people the think i make that is
actually the most impactful is the reality log itself. which is great and i'm
satisfied with that, but i think there's other things i do that i wish i, god
this sounds so selfish, that i wish i got more recognition for? like i think
i've said exactly this back when i was working on generic tetromino game, that
it felt like, people just don't really care. and now i'm working on hare-c. and
again, i'm still just, kinda on my own here. it kinda gets to me after a while.
and of course there's the other misc hyperfixations like the ytpmv i decided on
a whim i'm gonna make, which yeah obviously given the people i surround myself
with they won't care as much about that and that i understand moreso and am more
ok with, like it still kinda sucks but it doesn't get to me nearly as much.
point is, i guess this is exactly the same thing again. the whole "looking up to
others" and striving to follow in the footsteps of people i look up to, just
disguised slightly differently. people who are able to not only write code and
stuff, but people know them and the code they write, people actually use their
shit and contribute, moreso than just seeing it and going "yeah that's pretty
cool", but, god idk if i'm even making sense. i know exactly *one* person
besides me who plays generic tetromino game, and that person is my mom. and it
is nice that she enjoys it and got something out of something i made but...
it's, it's not enough, and again i sound so selfish and hell maybe i am selfish
idfk i guess this is just where i'm at or something.

sometimes i wish certain people would read the reality log but i know that they
won't. not that anything here is directed towards them specifically, but it's
stuff that vaguely refers to them. there's multiple people i'm thinking of here
and obviously i won't name anyone but yeah.

and i don't even know who is reading is. which to an extent i like and i
wouldn't want to change that but also it means that unless people explicitly say
"hello hi i read your things" i just assume they don't, which is probably a
pretty fair assumption. it's interesting, this place is simultaneously a
personal diary and also a place that i want people to see, whether that's
because i'm very vaguely and indirectly communicating with others, or i just,
don't want to be alone. i've been writing in here long enough that i don't feel
very self-conscious anymore about other people seeing stuff. maybe i never did
feel self-conscious actually, i have no idea. but i like that. and i guess
there's a sweet spot, like if too many people start reading this then it would
get uncomfortable for me but i know i'm not there yet, i just don't know where
"there" is and also i don't know where i'm going with this or how i got here,
this was a very negative entry which is weird because i don't feel like i'm in a
super negative mood rn? like i'm not feeling good but i'm not like, yk, maybe i
am actually whatever i'm done writing now