> i think this will be it just one more thing to say
me when i lie

ok idk if it's even a good idea to write this and put it out there but fuck it.
i have a few thoughts that are all vaguely interconnected, and to be clear none
of this is like, DIRECTLY related to anything in particular, like they started
because if specific events but i think the thoughts themselves are pretty
general, and also not really *new*, just thinking about them strongly:

- they tell you to "chase your dreams" but that's really fucking difficult when
  i don't know what my dreams even are. like i feel kinda aimless, like idk what
  i'm really chasing. depending on my mood that's either terrifying or
  liberating. right now it's not really either, it's just, kinda sad.
- ig adding on to this. there's things that, ON PAPER, are perfect for me. they
  are my dream. i'll use the whole hare maintainership thing as an example,
  again this isn't super specific but it absolutely applies here. like i won't
  turn this down. and this is kinda something i've always really wanted, or
  like, stuff like this has been my idea of my dream, what i want to do with my
  life. seems great! and to an extent it is. but, there's a couple things about
  it that i can't shake off. first of all, with this there's added
  responsibility, and no matter what i'm always gonna be doing, not enough.
  like, the more people see me as smart and capable the more i'll inevitably let
  people down when i can't live up to their (or my own) expectations. maybe this
  is imposter syndrome, actually yeah it definitely is, but, there's a lot of
  contributors to hare which are IMO far more capable than me for a role like
  this. i'm not, like, completely incapable, but i'm also a fucking idiot,
  kinda. and it's stressful and everytime i fuck anything up (and even *doing
  nothing* is to me a fuck up because it means there's stuff i could/should be
  doing that i'm not), it's a slap in the face, like, i'm not worthy, i have
  this role and i need to live up to what is expected of me and what i, owe to
  others, i guess. i know this is a really unhealthy mindset and it's definitely
  just the manifestation of 19 years of failure and not living up to
  expectations while simultaneously being gifted or having potential and now
  it's culminating in an opportunity that i would've thought i would be nothing
  but extremely happy about but now i'm realizing maybe i'm just, not capable of
  any kind of responsibility at all. and like, look, again i'm not gonna pass up
  on this. because i really do want this, and, like, i know if i do pass up i'll
  probably regret it, and if i pass up and later change my mind then i look
  unreliable (which again i, kinda am, but i mean i can't show that too much, or
  idfk maybe i can but again something something i need to put on a persona for
  others that i have at least a little bit of my life under control if i want to
  get anywhere in life, it's like, a fine line between "be confident" and "don't
  be vulnerable at all and hide everything about yourself until you shrivel up
  with no one else by your side" fuck that was really dark i didn't mean for
  that to get so dark lol)
- so like, what the hell *am* i capable of? if i'm only capable of doing stuff
  strictly as a hobby, and then only capable of that *sometimes*, like, look it
  would be fucking great if that were enough and i could just get by being me
  but i, can't. in the world i actually live in? that's not enough. and maybe
  i'm destined to just forever be not quite enough. but actually that's also
  really dark and sad and pessimistic and probably not a good way to look at
  things, like it's where i'm at right now, but, idk if i try to see the
  positive it's ok how *am* i enough? and i guess i kinda am. i mean, i'm in
  this position to begin with, that's something. there's people who seem to
  actually care about me and like me as i am, that's also something. and already
  that's more than being completely worthless. like i do have worth, idk if it's
  enough, again it *should be* and i don't want to tear myself down like i don't
  deserve anything because i'm somehow not enough, it's just, being realistic,
  idk what's ACTUALLY enough to get by in the real world.
- i said i don't think it's a good idea to write this because idk who will see
  this and if it somehow breaks the illusion that i'm as capable as people think
  i am. like if drew were to read this (which i'm like 99% sure he won't but the
  point still stands) would he think less of me? and regret giving me this
  opportunity? not feel comfortable with me having a role of leadership like
  that? idk maybe he wouldn't and i'm overthinking. but hey overthinking is one
  of my best talents. but if i'm one of the people who is like, the head of the
  hare project (which i don't even know if i was too late and maybe this is all
  for nothing and i missed my chance, in which case, eh i'll think of that if it
  actually happens), then maybe being such an emotional trainwreck is a bad
  thing or something. not that i'm not allowed to feel emotions or be human,
  but, i should at least feel mildly confident in my ability to be in the
  position that i'm in. and right now? right now i don't feel that. i'm not
  really confident in myself at all. hell it's been a while since i've done much
  of anything directly contributing to hare, idfk why i'm even being offered
  this role. is it that i'm using hare to make cool stuff? cuz if so i'm not the
  only one doing that, and at that there's others doing it moreso and better
  than i am (not that it's a competition, but, if we're talking, best suited for
  this position), you know what no i'm overthinking and degrading myself for no
  reason this isn't helpful i'm gonna stop (or at least try to stop)