it's been a while since i've had an actual "do literally nothing day". so i
don't feel terrible about it ig, i mean i would've preferred to have done
*something* but eh. basically started waking up super early to be dropped back
off at wpi, then i fell back asleep and stayed in bed until 5pm. not that i was
sleeping the entire time, but i just, didn't want to / couldn't get out of bed.
idk how much of it was being tired and how much was depression, like i genuinely
can't tell. but either way yeah got out, i ate food (you know what that's at
least something lol), i uh, was that really it? shit i think that's all i did
damn. i went back into bed and tried to do stuff and managed to fall asleep (!)
and just woke up. so, yeah. tomorrow (today) is a wellness day so no classes (at
least, i think it is, tbh i haven't checked my school email in over a week at
this point and it's becoming something that's just, really stressful to think
about so i just don't.

ok, idk how much of this is actually true and how much is just me making up
stories to explain things, but, uh, i feel like wpi just has, really negative
energy to me. and this is definitely a personal thing, i don't think wpi itself
is a negative place or makes everyone feel shitty, it's definitely a me thing,
but like, i felt a big difference between being at my grandparents' place and
being back here. and it's not just this time; i've felt this same thing every
time i've went home and came back. this place just makes me feel very shitty and
amplifies shittiness for me. i can't actually remember the last time i said
something positive about my experience here lmao, even if non-negative it's more
"i was able to do $thing that i thought i couldn't do but is actually the bare
minimum necessary to even remotely succeed". and to add onto this, this happened
last saturday. this was early in the morning, so i was still in bed and kinda
pretending to be asleep and i just overheard my dad and grandpa talking (idk
what it is about everyone in my family getting up super early, like guys it's
7am you really don't need to be up right now), but basically my dad was talking
about how he was thinking about quitting his job to have more time doing
personal stuff since he's been making some money doing his own stuff and his job
is just interfering kinda. basically he does glassblowing and also making
automata and stuff, it's actually pretty damn cool and he also teaches at a
local makerspace, but his "job job" is teaching stuff about glassblowing but
it's a ways away and feels less about, like, teaching how to Make and stuff and
moreso almost like, advertising, if that makes sense, plus at the makerspace he
has much more freedom over what and when he teaches, like if there's ever a day
that he can't teach and needs to reschedule a class, he can just, do that. so
he's looking into getting his own small glassblowing studio thing and stuff, but
anyways, i was listening to all of this, and thinking, like, wtf am i even
doing. *this* is the life i want to live. spending my time just making things,
having the personal freedom to just make/do what i want when i want? THAT is
what i want to do with my life. and the path i'm on right now is not leading to
that. and i've known that for quite some time, this isn't a grand relevation for
me. but what it WAS was affirmation that a better path is, like, possible. that
there's other options and it's possible to succeed ("succeed" in this context
meaning being able to survive under capitalism while not wanting to die) outside
of the path i'm currently on. all of this is to say that, this combined with
what i said about wpi having negative energy for me, i'm like 90% sure i'm gonna
drop out. i just can't do this shit. i'm miserable and i always feel shitty and
the fact that just passing my classes (which again, is literally the bare
minimum) is this herculean task every fucking term, and what's it all even for?
it's like, so much work, so much misery, so much taken away from what i really
want to do with my time, and i don't even feel like i get much useful out of it
at all. the value of the education i've been getting has been, subpar at best
tbh, and even a college degree and stuff, like, idk it's fine i guess? but then
what? i get to get a job working for some other shitty company where i work on
more things that i hate while also having the knowledge that i am actively
making the world worse by doing so. now that's the dream. so yeah idk *exactly*
what i'm gonna do but despite having no more of a clue than i did at the
beginning of the year it feels less stressful to me, i guess. and maybe that's
temporary but, i think i'd rather be a bit directionless for a while than stay
here. the biggest loss will 100% be the social stuff. like, the opportunities at
a university are opportunities you just, don't ever really get again. not that
there aren't ways to seek out social stuff, but it really isn't the same. and
i'm not really doing much here despite the options, which really sucks but,
like, yeah, idk. i don't want to stay here and be miserable just so i can have
the ability to have a unique social experience that i'm already not really
taking advantage of to its fullest.

one thing though is that at some point this month i really want to meet up with
[name redacted cuz i don't think she would actually care but i have a thing in
the reality log where i kinda just keep everyone else anonymous and stuff but
you know who you are if you're reading], cuz like, my parents don't live around
here so if we don't meet up this month it might be a while before we can again
(i still come out here relatively frequently so especially if we actually plan
in advance it could definitely work out but still). that being said! something
kinda weird that i have a hard-ish time putting into words is just that shit
like this is kinda stressful for some reason lol. like don't get me wrong i
really do want to meet up and stuff but also we've never seen each other or even
heard each other's voices lmao and since it's nontrivial to get together it
becomes a thing where i just worry and feel awkward and eventually just, idk how
to put this, cuz it's not that i stop wanting to meet up, but i stop having the
energy to go out of my way to do so, if that makes sense. and i get the
impression that she's more social / "extroverted" than i am, or maybe that's not
right but at the very least more used to / willing to go out of the way to do
stuff like this and i just haven't really done that before lol so it's a big
thing for me but i also don't want to give off the impression that i don't want
to and stuff and it's a thing.

completely unrelated random thing: it's really cool to be friends with people
that you look up to in certain ways, but then they also kinda look up to you in
certain ways, like mutual role models. it's a really nice feeling that i kinda
get sometimes with some online friends :)

i've been writing for over half an hour at this point, maybe i should sleep or
something like that