at my grandparents' place now, that's cool. tbh not much to say rn? i'm not
feeling super depressed so yeah. ig, two things come to mind

1. read through genderdysphoria.fyi again, and, i gotta say, it really didn't
impact me as much this time as it did in the past. i think it was, kinda like,
the mindset that i went into it with. because there was ABSOLUTELY stuff that i
really related to. but there was also a lot of stuff that wasn't relatable at
all. which, yeah, of course, dysphoria looks different for everyone, so i can't
draw anything close to a conclusion from that. but, i guess, the vibe i got from
a lot of it was "if you experience X, you might be trans, because trans people
commonly experience X". which, kinda feels backwards? cuz there's some stuff
where when i really think about it, it's just, symptoms of depression, or
disliking oneself. very real problems, and absolutely could be symptoms of
gender dysphoria, but it's not a given. and the vast majority of the stuff that
is more obviously related to gender ("related to gender" being *very* broad and
tbh actually that probably doesn't convey any information whatsoever lol) was
stuff i didn't relate to. there was also some conflicting stuff, like at one
point it said something like "people know when they're being raised as the wrong
gender", referring to that thing where they raised a boy as though he were a
girl to try to show that gender is entirely a social construct, and it backfired
because, like, he was a boy. but then later it says pretty much the exact
opposite, about how gender dysphoria is often not obvious, how you may not know
and all that. and that's where i was. but like, just the inconsistency kinda
irked me. and i get what it was trying to say, but yeah. anyways, ok: i, think
i'm actually just cis? it's weird, cuz, like, reading back some of what i just
wrote, it kinda reads like, a lot of denial lmao. like im saying "this isn't
gender dysphoria because  it could be all these other things too". but it
doesn't *feel* like denial. which actually, hm, that made no sense, denial
doesn't really feel like anything does it. but i feel like i'm approaching this
with a pretty open mind? i mean hell i was pretty decidedly convinced i was NB
for, like, a good amount of time (i genuinely don't know how long it was, i have
no concept of time), so backing out now feels weird. i think maybe there's a
middle ground to this. like, i can say that i'm cis but still be cool with
he/they pronouns and stuff, and act/present how i want. and also, i can always
change my mind again (tbh it's more likely i will than not lol). cuz, i know
something something cis people don't really question their gender, but... hm,
idk, i was gonna write "maybe i'm just the exception" but that just comes across
like, next-level denial lmao. hi this is a call for any trans people who are
reading this (or anyone who has more of a grasp on gender than me lol) pls tell
me if you think i'm making a wrong turn or i'm being dumb, ik you generally
don't, just, do that, but i promise i'll at the very least take in whatever you
say and probably give it lots of consideration.

2. minor thing, but, my grandpa (on my dad's side of the family, not the ones
i'm staying the weekend with) most likely has undiagnosed ADHD, at least, that's
how it seems to me. which would also check out cuz normally that stuff is
genetic. but my family will often talk about / joke about things he says/does,
like he's kinda goofy and sometimes does things that seemingly make no sense
(or, like, *doesn't* do things when there's no reason not to and it would be
objectively better if he did). and it's always kinda awkward for me cuz i'm
thinking "damn i, uh, kinda relate to that". like the stuff they make fun of him
for, is stuff where i feel like i kinda do the same thing, just in different
contexts. like yeah he's definitely a flawed person, but who isn't? anyways it
just kinda makes me feel like, do they feel the same way about me? they'd never
say it to my face but idk what they're saying about me behind my back. and maybe
it's nothing, and maybe i shouldn't even care, but it kinda hurts? just cuz my
family very rarely does stuff that feels genuinely hurtful cuz generally they're
all great, and i know it's not intentional and all that but it is definitely
genuine.

i thought about this the other day, like, what do people think of me? and i
think that, generally, people like me. people enjoy my presence, or at the very
least, are ok with it. i have a distinctive personality, i'm kinda quiet and
shy, but those aren't, like, bad traits. i think a lot of what i dislike about
myself is stuff that isn't super visible to others just looking at me from the
outside. i very occasionally overhear people talking about me and i don't think
it's ever really in a negative way. which isn't to say i'm not super flawed but
it's something i suppose.