ok uhhhhhhhhhh

so, first thing, tbh shit like this is hard to write because it's basically
shouting out "i am actively making things worse for myself", like making
decisions that fuck me over but i have no one or nothing to blame but myself. i
skipped my classes again today. i have not gone to a single class this week.
here's what happened. i went to bed early last night, with the honest intent to,
like, wake up, and go to class. and i did wake up on time. and i was about to
get up, and something in my brain just told me, like, not to. i justified it by
saying that i'd be completely lost in the lectures cuz it's been so long so
there wasn't actually a point to going, and, idk maybe that's true, but there
isn't a downside to going other than oh no i have to actually get out of bed, at
a reasonable time. like, before today it was genuinely me fucking up and
sleeping past when i should. at this point though? i'm choosing to do this. i
don't fucking know why. i've hit the mentality of "i'm already fucked so why
bother" and i'm taking it to its extreme. similar stuff has happened in the
past, where like, i think "yeah i'm already fucked" and just stop putting in
effort, but, idk i don't think i've ever done anything like this. and the worst
part? i... i think i might do it again. because maybe i wasn't really fucked
before, but now... idfk, it'd take a miracle to pass all my classes. no, like,
seriously, i, i don't fucking know what i'm gonna do. and again i got myself
into this situation, like, this was just, me. and it STILL IS just me. i have no
excuses. it's like, yeah i don't like it here, yeah there's things i much prefer
doing over anything relating to school, sure. but that's not, new. and i thought
i already decided that i wanted to continue with this whole college thing
anyways. but apparently i'm just, i dont know there's nothing more to say i
haven't already said, i'm just pissed off at myself while simultaneously doing
absolutely nothing to change anything. at this point i don't know how much of it
is actually ADHD and how much is just, like, actual laziness, or actually me
just not putting in any effort whatsoever to better things for myself. actually
you know what thinking about all of this and writing it down isn't changing
shit. no need to make myself feel like shit over something if feeling that way
isn't gonna change what i do. maybe things are going to shit but i'm gonna try
to be slightly less depressed as it happens. or something.

ok um social life, that's something that i may or may not have depending on when
you ask me lmao. as for now, like, i'm trying to at least not hermit in my room
all day, and mostly succeeding. the problems are 1. a lot of the stuff the
others in the house do just doesn't interest me so i don't participate, and 2.
there's, like, a lot of couples now. and it always feels kinda awkward.

i, think i've been more depressed lately? again it's hard to really say, but i
know i haven't really been anywhere near happy recently.

also still need to reread genderdysphoria.fyi, cuz i'm still, confused. or like,
confused why i suddenly just feel basically cis.

wait fuck there's like, small parts of minor suicidal thoughts kicking in now.
stop pls stop,


honestly i just need a hug