should try to write more often. i liked having daily entries. realistically that
isn't gonna happen but like, gonna try to do something like that i guess.

> it's really really hard to write down a memory
> cause like
> there's so much context
> they're dictionary coded and the dictionary is all of my brain

actually true though

ok uh so i slept through my classes again. like, i just, i fucking hate it. i
explicitly made a goal to NOT do that and i somehow fucking failed. if it
happens again i stg i might just break down and cry and impulsively drop out or
some shit lmao, realistically no i wont but like idk i just want to do better
and im not improving in the ways i should be or i want to be

eating habits still absolute shit. getting a little bit worried that it might
become a bigger problem. but also trying to be cautious to not, like, develop an
eating disorder lol.

i was actually social today. i hung out with housemates and talked to people and
did stuff and yeah it was good and maybe i should do that more often or
something. also good cuz i was feeling like shit when i woke up, after, yknow,
missing my classes (well actually missing my first class and beating myself up
so much i just didn't show up to any other classes, *again*.) and had i not hung
out with others i would feel like even more shit cuz i don't think i was gonna
do anything today. i think it would've been one of those days.

today is the first day in a while where like, i was able to grasp what my mental
state is. i still don't know how to describe it in words, but, i feel like i can
at least sorta understand it. maybe.

also i should reread genderdysphoria.fyi, cuz like, at this point i feel like i
might actually just be cis, but at the same time that feels... i mean, i spent
so much time thinking about this and i remember having strong
thoughts/emotions/whatever when i first found this stuff and it's just
confusing, how i can feel so definitively something then do a complete 180, like
i feel like i'm just, cis, but after all of that? really? not that it's a bad
thing to end up back where i started, it's just, weird, and i don't actually
believe this is where the journey ends because i think it's just going in
circles. i think maybe the ideal place to end up is like, male-presenting irl
but taking on some other identity online (and maybe with close friends
potentially), but even then i'm not sure. i don't feel, like, lost or helpless
or anything, which is great because in the past i absolutely have felt that way.
and i probably will feel that way in the future, in all honesty. but for now i'm
living in the present and things are pretty okay i think