idk why i havent been writing as much here lately. i've had plenty of Emotions,
both strong and not so strong, both fine and bad, but idk. here's the thing,
there was one point where i didn't want to write but i jotted down some bulleted
notes for stuff to write about whenever i feel like it, and, like, looking back,
i, shouldn't do that. or rather, if i'm willing to write bullet points for vague
thoughts, then i should just, do that, and have a reality log entry which is
just bullet points. there's nothing wrong with that. either way i want to write
right now soo:

1. been continuing to talk with that person i brought up last entry, and yeah
it's cool and everything i already said still stands. i think that, like, they
kinda, look up to me in a way? which is, like, it's weird to be in that position
but it's also kinda nice. i can think of 2 people off the top of my head who i
think have looked up to me, and it's just, it's super cool. idk, i really like
it. cuz it means i'm having a positive effect on others. i also told this to my
mom and she said it shows how far i've come, like the stuff that i used to
really struggle with is now stuff that, like, people look up to me for, or
something. i'm wording it weirdly and that's not really exactly what i mean to
say but i guess it's kinda true, i have come a long way, and that's, yeah. i
like it i think
2. i have been simultaneously more social and much less social lately. more
social as in, like, online. talking more, posting more stuff and being more
myself i guess? but also i've kinda been hermitting in my room more than i
normally do. and i don't know why. i think it's like, i start doing stuff in my
room and then i keep doing that stuff and i lose track of time, but also,
sometimes i have no motivation to do ANYTHING. and i guess that includes leave
my room and be social lmao. cuz then it's just depression and when i'm feeling
depressed i don't really want to be with others. and like, i *want* to be social
and be with people and stuff, but also, i don't? but i really do. i just don't
do it, and, it's confusing.
3. acedemics are shit rn. been missing hw assignments, i missed a fucking
take-home quiz, ok actually, so, i knew i had a take-home quiz, i put it off
thinking ok i'll do it later today, which turned into "end of day today", which
turned into actively knowing that the day is almost over and i had like a few
minutes left to start it, but just, not doing so, which led to ok now it is
11:55 and i have not started, and like i told myself "whoops i forgot" while
actively remembering and knowing how that's really bad and i don't fucking know.
plus on friday i slept in and missed a class and just figured "well missing one
class is basically the same as missing all of them" and just didn't go to any
classes that day. and i knew it was stupid. i wasn't tricking myself or
anything. i don't fucking understand. like yeah i was feeling depressed as shit
but, still. and i told my mom about that and she said don't go too hard on
yourself, it's only one day. and im like haha yeah. but uh,,, it was more than
one day. not like, in a row. but multiple days this week that happened. i'm
fucking myself over basically, and it's very not good. i'm not convinced that
the adhd meds i'm taking are working how they should lol, this is kinda
off-topic but, i feel like when i take them i'm able to be very focused and do a
lot, but, on the stuff i already enjoy doing and would probably do anyways. but
it doesn't help me with like, doing what i need to actually do. and earlier
today, i was doing stuff on the C parser, and i was working for a while, just
continuing to do stuff, and i realized, like, i'm not enjoying this. i'm not
actually having fun or getting any enjoyment out of doing this. but i also can't
stop. like i feel like i need to continue coding and doing stuff here but also i
desperately wanted to just get up and do literally anything else. it's a weird
feeling and, i guess another good way to describe it is that, i accomplished a
lot today, but it feels like i wasted the day and accomplished nothing. like i
feel the same as i do when i do nothing all day, despite doing anything but
nothing all day.
4. sleep schedule is kinda shit, i stay up way too late given that i need to
wake up not super late everyday. eating is also kinda shit, i either don't eat
for a long time or i just eat a bunch of snacks and that's it. and there's no
in-between, it's either not enough or too much.
5. but i'm not like, super depressed. at least right now. i'm not super happy
but, idk, recently my mood has been much harder to pinpoint. because i can't say
it's been fluctuations where i understand what's going on. it's just, idk i
literally don't know how to put it into words. i've been all over the place but
also i really haven't, but i can't describe my emotions, not to say they've been
super complex, i just, i don't know where i'm really at. and maybe that's fine,
but, yeah.
6. last thing (i think), and this is something that hasn't been like, dominating
my thoughts or anything, i've had other things to fill my head with lol, but,
regarding gender. i... idk, i think i might've made a wrong turn somewhere?
maybe not, but... like, i feel like something's not entirely right. it sounds
stupid as fuck to say actually i think i'm just cis after everything i've
thought about and been through but......i think i might just be cis? like, ok,
here's the thing. i'll try to explain this in a way that makes sense. i don't
feel NB in the way that most others who are NB are (and ik that's like, a huge
spectrum, but i still feel like i'm more closely attached to my birth gender
than other enbies are). and like i know something something i'm valid or
whatever. that's not the thing i'm struggling with. i know that i'm valid, i
know that i can be whatever i am / want to be. and i also know that it's okay to
not fit in with how most others feel. that all being said... it does really make
me question if i made the right choice at all, with like, the category that i've
put myself into, how i'm choosing to identify, etc. if i don't fit in with stuff
that's really common (and it's not just isolated things, just, in general).
like, with how i present IRL for instance. i present as male, like, anyone who
is unaware of the gender stuff i've been going through would have absolutely no
idea. i look like i'm just completely cis. and i'm... kinda ok with that? i
don't really mind how i look? it's tough to say cuz there's things about how i
look i don't like, but i don't know if that's related to dysphoria or if it's
just generally, not liking parts of my appearance. like, there's a difference
there, but i don't know how to tell what it is. i don't really have much
interest in things that are, like, gender non-conforming. like, painting my
nails or wearing non-conforming clothes. i don't have any interest in that. i
like my birth name. i like going by "seb", at least. sebastian is fine too
though, like i associate myself with that and i don't really get any negative
vibes from being sebastian? i looked it up though and it's pretty dominantly a
male name, it's not gender neutral. like, i always knew that, if i'm NB, it's
leaning toward male, like, demiboy or whatever. but, i... i don't know. i think
i made a wrong turn somewhere and i might just be cis...?