a few things:

1. i've been spending more time alone just doing my own thing than i probably
should. or, like, i wish i was doing more active stuff, but most of what i'm
doing is just sitting alone doing my own stuff. not that it's bad necessarily, i
mean, i am doing things that i enjoy doing, but i think it's probably slightly
bad, just cuz, limited time in a day and i'm kinda ""wasting"" it and all that
2. so i'm writing a C parser, right, and basically i'm happy with the amount of
progress i've made in such short time, but i need to, like, actively stop myself
from setting far-reaching goals for myself. like, one thought i've had more than
once is "how cool would it be to have a fully functional standard C parser done
within a single week". and like, yeah, that would be cool, but also, that's
setting myself up for failure. beacuse sometimes i'm not motivated to work on
that. sometimes i have other things i need to do. and also, writing a C parser
is kinda difficult and even when i *do* work on it i may run into roadblocks.
and all of that is fine! but all of it is the thing that i do where i set
expectations for myself that are very difficult to fulfill, then when i fall
short i treat it as a failure, instead of looking at what i HAVE done. so yeah,
trying to stop myself. like, no, work on this when you *want* to, at the pace
you want to, and don't set any expectations. even if it just never gets
finished, that's also fine. i still learned a lot (reading through the entire C
spec does things to you lmao) and also finished a good amount of it, that's
absolutely something
3. two meta things about the reality log: first off, someone else found my
reality log and emailed me about it. and, just in general, i really love when
that happens. it doesn't happen often (as in, like, this is the third time it's
ever happened), but i really love it. like, ig somehow just writing about my
life and my struggles and shit is actually having a positive impact on others,
helping other people and stuff. it's so cool and it makes me feel good :) but
also i've been having a conversation with this person and i'm also really
enjoying that. i told them this as well, but, i kinda see them as like, a
younger version of myself, which is cool af. obviously they live a very
different life from mine, but just stuff like, the way they write, things about
their personality, the stuff they're going through, all that, it's, like, it's
so fucking cool and i'm really happy we're talking and stuff. i don't think i'm
going anywhere with this, but honestly that's fine it's just nice. oh yeah other
meta thing: a while back i wrote about how my sister (and thus my parents) found
the reality log and all that. well my sister finally got the courage ig to text
me about it. and the text wasn't anything, like, super groundbreaking, it was
basically just "hey, things get better, keep holding on", there was more to it
than that but the context for the rest of it requires a lot more info about who
she is as a person and also our relationship which i don't really feel like
going into, but the gist is that on its own the text wasn't noteworthy, but, a.
coming from her, and b. the context and stuff i didn't mention, like the tone of
the message, etc., it was, really sweet. like it was genuinely just a really
nice text to get and, yeah. i think oftentimes she doesn't really show, like,
love/caring/stuff in a way that's immediately visible/obvious, so sometimes it
seems like she just doesn't feel it, but this serves as a reminder that she
really cares and idk, none of this makes sense without the context that i'm not
providing but it was really really nice <3
4. been feeling less shitty the past few days. well, ok, actually it's
complicated. i FEEL like i feel less shitty, but at the same time, i'm 1.
spending a bunch of time inside, alone, on my computer, and 2. i skipped some
classes and stuff, when i really shouldn't have, i just, idk i can't explain it.
i didn't want to go even though i knew there wasn't really a downside to just,
going, but i still didn't. normally this goes hand-in-hand with feeling like
shit but this time, well, idk, brains are very complicated i guess and i don't
really know where i stand rn. i'm not doing, like, BAD, so hell yeah take the Ws
wherever you can i guess lol
5. generally if i go for a bit without writing here it means i'm not feeling
like absolute shit (not always true but usually a safe bet)