i am having e m o t i o n s

ive been feeling sad. but not, like, SAD sad. i haven't had any really bad or
suicidal thoughts in a while at this point, which is both good and also very
alarming, but it's fine, i just take things a day at a time, especially for
stuff like that where it's outside of my control and unpredictable it doesn't
bother me until it happens. i think a while back i said something super bleak
about how i wasn't sure if i'd make it to the end of this year, or something
like that. as of now i feel pretty confident that, short of some terrible
simultaneous thing happening, i'll be fine. i'm not concerned there. right now
my sadness is more mild, but, still, feels bad. especially cuz, and i sound like
a broken record here, but there's no reason for it. i'm sad just because i am.
that fucking sucks.

trying to think of the last time i was *happy*. rather than just, not sad. and,
i really don't know? because i'm gonna have a biased outlook on this since i'm
feeling shitty rn, so if i say "i can't remember the last time i was happy"
maybe it just means i haven't been happy, but also it's very possible that i
actually *have* been genuinely happy at points, and i'm just either forgetting
or suppressing it or both. i really don't know. i know there have been times
where i felt not sad, at least. maybe "content" is a good way to describe it.
idk what constitutes actual happiness.

life would be a lot easier if i were more extroverted or less socially awkward /
shy. this is unrelated to the sadness, just a thought that i had.

that's all i think