i need to go to bed, i'll just write this before i do.

i had a mental breakdown yesterday lol. so that was fun. it's... very hard to
explain. like, i feel like i went through like 10 entries worth of emotions in
the span of an hour or so. i felt everything and simultaneously didn't? i just
needed to cry... a lot. was nice that at the time my roommate wasn't there so i
could ball my eyes out in peace. there weren't any SUPER bad thoughts or
anything, like, so suicidal thoughts, not even really any "i hate myself"
thoughts. just more, like, i don't even know, "what am i doing with my life",
"is this what i want", "i could do this", ok but none of that is even accurate i
just have no idea how to explain this.

starting at the beginning. it's kinda embarrassing how it started but thats
fine. i stumbled across AJR's old youtube channel. like, back when the lead
singer was 14 years old. they were young AF, and i think a lot of stuff was
privated/deleted/whatever, but the stuff that was still up was, well, ok,
basically just them in their house doing covers of popular songs, but the talent
is absolutely insane. they were (are) so fucking talented, it's just a shitty
camera, and them just, doing music. and a lot of the videos had a funny little
skit at the very beginning to introduce it, where you could tell they were just
having fun and messing around. and there's something so wholesome about that. it
felt, real, in a way that very little else does. AJR has written some songs
about some super personal and heavy stuff, but something about this, just, the
lack of editing, them just being themselves and having fun, idk, basically i
watched all of that and i was like holy fuck. i was feeling stuff. wasn't
entirely sure what, i mean i had all the thoughts i just wrote, but i kinda just
shrugged it off and got back to other stuff, or, well, i tried to. but after
like a minute i realized ok that, really effected me, more than it probably
should have. i kinda almost saw myself in those videos. but, not like, my
current self. but my idealized self. i enjoy creating, i want to create. and put
stuff out into the world and have other people interact with said stuff. and
music (and especially the skits, just, god idk) like that just seems like such a
great way to do that and ive always kinda wanted to learn to make music but i
just never really have, it doesn't come super naturally to me and i don't know
how to use a DAW but anyway i'm getting kinda ahead of myself i think. because
after this i actually did try to learn ardour, and then just kinda, stopped. i
mean, i don't really know where to even *begin*. i know the best way to begin is
to just, start, and make stuff, fuck around and find out, but in a good way lol.
but i dont have a midi keyboard or anything like that, and i just didn't have
any inspiration or feel creative or anything, so i just, stopped. that's not the
mental breakdown though. pretty much this spiraled and lead to me just, balling
my eyes out, and i can't say exactly why. i mean, i know kinda what started it,
but tbh this definitely wasn't an isolated thing, i've probably been carrying a
lot with me this whole time and didn't realize it and had to let it out, and it
just happened to be with this. in fact, that realization prolonged the breakdown
lol. or rather, the first part lasted like, idk, 30 minutes? and then i was like
ok i need to talk to someone, im gonna text someone and say hey im not ok rn can
i vent or can we talk blablabla. and i was writing my text, and basically i
started talking about how i have this itch, this itch to create, and i'm not
scratching it right. like whatever i'm doing currently (programming) just isn't
doing it. but mid-sentence i realized HEY WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE this is all
completely wrong! my brain just made that shit up to explain how i was feeling!
maybe there's some truth to that explanation? i don't know. but the breakdown
wasn't about that. i just took an event that sparked things and made up a story
for myself to explain things and rolled with it. so i deleted the entire text
message and put my phone down and proceeded to have part 2 of my cool breakdown,
which lasted i think another 30 minutes or something. i mean, i acknowledged
that i probably needed to go through it so i let myself, since i had the
opportunity and was alone in my room i was able to do that. it kinda felt good
to get it all out, even if i don't know what "it all" means. but the end of it
all was very calming. and this almost never happens, but, i felt, content, just
sitting there doing nothing. with my own thoughts. i didn't want to do things. i
wanted to sit still and think and just breathe, take in, like, reality. that
just, doesn't happen, ever, but it happened here. and it was, very nice. after
the mental breakdown i needed just, a breather, some time to calm down, and
that's what i gave myself. and i wasn't sure how to process what happened, or if
i even could, but thats ok. point is im feeling fine now, this really was an
isolated thing, and i think it's good that it happened, i obviously needed to
release some emotional baggage. still happened all alone, and i haven't told
anyone, but... i mean idk i think it's fine, i don't feel an extreme urge to,
the urge disappeared when i realized i made the backstory all up and i realized
i literally don't have anything to vent about, my emotions cannot be described
in text, or, in language at all. best explanation is basically just, feeling
everything at once and also nothing at all, simultaneously. but even then i
don't think that's quite right. point is i went through a lot and no one knows