for the first time in a while, i'm feeling very unmotivated. today was a day
where i just felt, shitty. i think the best way to describe it is i feel like
i'm just going through the motions of life without actually Living. i don't
actually think that's true, i *do* do things that make me feel "alive", case in
point the fact that i'm not always super depressed and when im not i feel like
life is okay and stuff. but today didn't feel like that. not to say there's a
reason, just an observation. like rn i *want* to work on generic tetromino game
but i just can't get myself to do so. ok great maybe you've run out of
motivation for that for now, that's fine, you did a fuck ton of stuff, maybe you
can do some, like, homework or something? also no. how about getting back to
hare const overhaul? remember when that was a thing you were actually even
remotely working on? also no to that. so i'm just in this state where i want to
do things but can't. and yesterday i had this weird spark of motivation late at
night to make a really shitty mashup (which is funny cuz listening back to it
it's really bad and immediately there's a lot of things i could've improved if i
spent more time but also it's a shitpost so whatever it doesn't matter that much
lol), but like that was kinda fun.

unrelated but still related, i don't really know how to put this but, it sucks
not being recognized for stuff i do. and i've written this before. but again,
like, i'm doing what i honestly think it's really fucking awesome stuff with
generic tetromino game. idk it's just, i'm really proud of this. there's very
few things i can actually point to and say "look, *i* made this, and i'm proud
of what it's become *in its current state*". but at the same time, ok, so, i
think the biggest ""fan"" of generic tetromino game is my mom lol. whenever she
has free time she plays a few games, which is super sweet and yeah im glad i
could make that for her and stuff. i also have a friend who is like hey this is
cool as fuck, really. and sometimes there's people on fedi who seem to favorite
posts about it and stuff ig. and it's not like it's getting *no* attention, i
mean, hell, handlerug basically made the website and someone else sent a patch
and joined the IRC to ask some questions about the codebase and that was super
nice and stuff. all of that aside, i can post "C arrays are still bad and dumb"
on fedi and get like over twice as much immediate engagement as posting a blog
post that i spent like a week researching and testing and compiling everything
together. that got 2 boosts and nothing else. and i feel bad because wow i'm
really complaining about this when people absolutely *do* care. i'm not actually
all alone here. and maybe it wouldn't actually make a difference if more people
cared and i'd still feel the same way. right now this is where i'm at. kinda
wish there were more people who acknowledged that i made a thing and it's kinda
cool and stuff. idk maybe i'm being selfish or something. or maybe i'm just
feeling things and that's how life do be sometimes. it kinda just feels like,
i've poured so much time into this project. like, for the past few months i'd
say the majority of my free time was devoted to this (maybe that's not accurate?
idk, maybe not the majority, but a very large chunk either way). it would be
nice to start seeing something, anything, come out of that. just people to
acknowledge it, contribute, talk to me about it, anything. and people do! but
it's kinda rare and short-lived. i think im going in circles here

ive been noticing ive been, like, holding myself back recently, from really
being myself, if that makes sense? like im making myself be an idealized version
of myself that fits the vision of me that whoever i'm talking to *wants* to see.
a good example just being stuff i do online and stuff. like thinking of posting
something or boosting something but thinking "eh the people who are following me
won't really care or like that" which i shouldn't care about, and i envy the
people who just blatantly don't care about followers or anything and just are
unapologetically themselves. i think it's a good thing to strive for (obviously
you *can* go too far with it i guess, just like with everything, but i'm really
not concerned with that being a possibility for me lol). but as much as it's
bad, metrics like this *do* matter to me. i guess i tie my self-worth to these
things. like, when something i post gets a lot of attention ("a lot" not
actually meaning *a lot*, but like, people see what i posted and do something,
even if just a favorite or something). idk even now i'm holding myself back.
like the idealized best me wouldn't be so selfish and stuff. and complain about
people not giving me enough attention, boohoo. it's kinda difficult even writing
this stuff. but i think it's good or something. speaking of stuff i feel mildly
uncomfortable writing about because i'm not really sure what exactly to take
away from it or how it will be perceived,

(wow what a segway) uh, gender! not sure where to begin with this but basically
i feel like i always end up in groups of boys, like, when we do groups for
classes and stuff, when i find people to be friends with, all that. it's always
boys. and i kinda feel a bit, empty? about it? no empty's not the right word.
whatever, sometimes i try to join other groups but it just never works out for
one reason or another, i always end up back in a group with all boys. in the
physics class i'm taking this term, there's this trans girl who seems pretty
cool and stuff, and idk if it has anything to do with me and how i see myself or
if there's something else, but i was like i kinda wanna talk to her and get to
know her. but that didn't happen. it doesn't happen. i always end up finding
people to talk to and hang out with, but it's never exactly who i wanted to be
with. not that i don't like being with them, but, yeah. it really does feel like
just external factors at play here almost making this happen by default. which,
i mean, yeah, probably, i'm very much male-presenting and most people really
don't care about this lol, and i feel uncomfortable with it because i don't know
what it means or even what exactly i'm feeling? it's weird and i feel weird
about all of it. which probably means i should do some self-reflection or
something. but like, i've been doing self-reflection about this stuff for months
at this point. and i haven't gotten anywhere. if anything i'm less sure now than
i was when i started. but in ways i can't explain. i don't know how i'm
uncertain, or what progress i'd *like* to make, because yeah the end goal is
having a coherent identity here which i actually feel confident in, but even
before that, just with what i do to get there, i really don't know. what am i
actually supposed to be striving for even?

also with the above, like, with housing selection and stuff for next year, i did
that and my housemates are all guys. which, yeah it's not a BAD thing but also
just feels... weird? in a way i can't really explain or even pinpoint.

there's this thing where i just don't really fit in anywhere, and yeah i've said
this before. but i feel it still, and still very strongly. i'm not really
**queer** or anything, i'm not, like, *not* male, but i'm also not male, but
also i kinda am i guess. i simultaneously don't really like being super
male-presenting and also don't really mind that much, or at least, don't care
enough to actually put in any effort into changing how i present. i'm "straight"
but also wtf does it even mean to be straight and how can someone who isn't on
the gender binary be straight? but if i'm not straight and i'm not queer then
i'm just kinda, there. existing but without any actual identity or community.

hopefully i'll look back at this entry in like a year and be able to say that
i've grown and learned more about myself and found some communities of people
like me and stuff. but as of right now that all seems unlikely. might just have
to get used to not really exactly fitting in anywhere. cuz i don't *not* fit in,
i just, kinda feel out of place everywhere. i tried to think of an analogy for
this but i got nothing, just not very creative lmao

at least i feel more comfortable with the whole "am i gonna stay here in college
or drop out" thing, i want to stay, at least for now. still don't like it here
but that's fine, i'll get through it.

the gender stuff sucks because my feelings on it change constantly. with lots of
other stuff, even if my mood changes, i still generally feel the same way about
things, like my beliefs/logic/reasoning and even my """personality""" don't
really change. but here, i'm just constantly doubting myself, no matter what i
do. everything feels slightly off. but sometimes i don't care and i think hm i'm
comfortable not really knowing. and other times it really gets to me and fucks
with me. sometimes i feel mostly/even almost entirely male, but then other times
i feel out of place even presenting as such. and pronouns are weird too. in text
at least, like when people say things online, "they" feels very natural. i often
just don't even really notice it. in person, it never feels *exactly* right. it
feels a bit forced? i guess? and i dont feel anything bad when people just say
"he" to me. maybe something something different persona IRL vs online? i've
thought a bit in the past (as in like, past few months) about just making a
whole new identity online completely disconnected from my current identity. new
communities, new ""friends"", new name, new self, new everything. just to
experiment. to see what it's like. then i can really try stuff out and fit less
expectations. but also that's a LOT of work and if i have to do that AND also
not just go completely silent on my current online identity? plus if i do that i
can't really show off cool projects and stuff i work on unless i start new ones
specifically just for this, and, yeah, it's just a lot, but it's crossed my mind
at times, and,

i simultaneously want to start over and also keep everything in life that i
actually like. i can't really have it both ways, but i want both, life is a big
contradiction or something, something something happy not saint patricks day