it's been a little bit. kinda just forgot about the journal all week. or rather,
i did remember it, but the times i remembered it were times when i couldn't
write or i didn't feel like it or whatever. there's honestly a lot i want to
say, idk how much i *actually* will but yeah

1. my sister found this and told my parents about it since she was concerned
about me. and like, ok first of all, that's really sweet of her and yeah that's
honestly really nice that she did that and all that. but anyways yeah my parents
now know about this lol. my mom told me she didn't go like, reading through
*everything* but since it was public she did read a little bit, and i have to
assume she managed to skim over the REALLY bad stuff cuz she didn't seem, like,
super concerned, which is either good or bad? i mean it's probably bad but also
i really don't want my parents to be worried about me like that. but yeah, i
think most people in this situation would feel embarrassed about this, or like,
idk something like that, but i honestly don't. i love my family and i trust
them. my mom *did* read the gender stuff, so we talked about that a bit in the
car on the way home, basically she told me that i don't have to be, like, openly
queer or anything in order to be NB or whatever; that i can present however i
want and it doesn't affect my gender identity. which i already knew but also it
was very reaffirming to hear. speaking of Gender,
2. i was gonna write about this, like, a week ago, but then i forgor so yeah,
this happened a week ago but i feel like it's probably notable: i decided to
reread genderdysphoria.fyi, i dont remember exactly why, but i did and it hit
harder than it did the first time i read it. i had to go to the bathroom just to
cry for a bit lmao. i think maybe that's what a panic attack is? tbh i don't
really know what a panic attack really *is* so idk if i have them or if it's
just being overwhelmed with emotions, but yeah, but i distinctly remember
feeling, just, lost, like i don't know who i am, and i don't know where others
like me are. because again, i'm not super openly queer and tbh i still really
hesitate to use that label on myself, cuz as far as things go i'm really, not.
cuz before the whole gender thing i felt pretty confident saying i'm straight,
cuz yeah i've honestly thought about this and i can confidently say that i'm
into girls. but i guess being not cis means being genderqueer and, idk, ok,
after reading all that again and having the maybe-panic-attack, i felt like,
yeah ig i'm just sorta NB but not enough to really fit in with other queer
people, but i always go back to doubting it. i mean, at this point i think i've
thought about this too much to say i'm cis lol, it's more so exactly how i
identify/want to present/etc. i'm kinda alright presenting as male. i mean, i
don't like formal clothes, if i have the choice i'll almost always wear
something super casual, but other than that, like in the real world i'm
undeniably male-presenting. and when people call me "he" it really doesn't
bother me too much, or, it doesn't bother me at all really. i had some friends
over yesterday and there were times where they had to remind themselves to say
"they" instead of "he" and tbh i had to remind myself as well, cuz when they
accidentally slipped nothing felt wrong, if anything "they" feels strange just
cuz it's different. so i'm kinda just leaning towards he/they pronouns at this
point. and i try to not let imposter syndrome do too much, cuz i have thoughts
about ok but now im just faking it but i quickly dismiss them, i mean i probably
still internalize them a bit but i'm working on it so it's fine. point is, is it
worth the effort to, like, not just be male. tbh i really wish there were more
resources for non-binary people. i feel like there's a lot for people who are
trans and identify as one of the binary genders, and there's some resources for
people who are NB, but a lot of it is like, not identifying anywhere on the
binary, and specifically AMAB not-male-but-still-kinda-masc-ish-i-think is very
underrepresented and it would be nice to have some guidance there.
3. oh yeah i had friends over yesterday, well actually both yesterday and the
day before. my friend who moved was back in town for the week so we hung out for
the day and she slept over and then she brought her girlfriend over and we
played mario 3d world all day lol, but it was kinda fun. there's things i can
say but everything about my emotions/thoughts when with people (or in this case
a couple) has already been said here and i think even just kinda being aware of
all of that lessened the severity of those thoughts for me.
4. i think i have more but that's all for now