ok, so, fucking, i just pulled another accidental all-nighter. didnt take
melatonin and seriously fucking regretting it. and im pissed off. i really wish
i was more assertive, or, like, i wish i did literally anything at all rather
than just staying silent and bottling everything up. my fucking asshole roommate
has been up all fucking night watching tiktoks on his phone, without headphones,
at a reasonably high volume. just, completely oblivious to the fact that there
is someone else in the same room who is trying to, like, actually sleep. this
guy pisses me the fuck off. like it's gotten to the point where even little
things piss me off. like he breathes really loudly. and he's just so fucking
stupid, just so oblivious. and all he fucking does is plays video games and
watches memes, and like, that's it, that's his entire life. i know it's probably
not good to devote this much mental bandwidth to hating someone but this guy
actually annoys me so fucking much. and here's the thing, ok, my sister is
autistic, and has some pretty bad anxiety issues and stuff, so like sometimes
it's a lot to deal with her or be around her or whatever. but i've grown up with
her. i spent 18 years of my life living with her, so like, i just kinda learned
to live with it. and im surprised i never snapped, there were times where it was
just so annoying for me to deal with shit constantly, but i always kept my mouth
shut. i never said anything because i knew it wasn't her fault, and i should be
supportive and all that, or, at the very least, not an asshole. so anyways it
would be nice if i could say i learned to live like this or whatever, and didnt
get irritated my minor things, but i still do, i feel like now even more so than
i used to. and i thought it would be nice to finally not be at home anymore so i
could catch a break but apparently i got unlucky with my terrible roommate cuz
it's the same old shit. this was a lot, i, i really dont like being angry or
hateful or anything. like as far as emotions go i think that's one of the ones i
feel most ashamed about, just cuz it feels like it somehow goes against who i
want to be, which is like, a good person who cares for people and treats them
with respect or something idfk. but i get annoyed a lot and that often leads to
anger but it's almost always internalized cuz i don't want to be angry irl. i
don't want that to be a character trait that's associated with me, like, at all.
so i really hate it when i feel like this. maybe something something gender
expression has something to do with it to? i honestly dont know, like it's very
possible this is a stretch and im missing the mark here but like toxic
masculinity and all that, men being angry idk

unrelated thing that i, really don't want to write about because i know it's
public and all that but also i think i maybe definitely should because it's the
right thing to not keep this bottled up or whatever. so here it goes i guess: i
had suicidal thoughts earlier. as in yesterday basically. and like, concerningly
serious ones. in the past it was just kinda "what if" stuff. and i had a feeling
things might get worse if i didnt do anything and i guess i thought i did a
little bit but clearly it wasn't enough because here i am. it's always at the
end of the term too. im noticing a pattern and i don't think it's a coincidence.
basically the thinking goes like this: 1. i am dangerously close to failing
classes, it's going to take *a lot* from me to not fail, and like, that requires
that i suddenly just become a super productive person who is miraculously able
to channel all my energy into what actually matters and devote my time to this
stuff, which is a level of commitment that i have literally not once in my
entire life ever had, then 2. this sucks, this place fucking sucks, i don't want
to be here, i think honestly the best option for me is to just drop out and
figure something else out, because i can't do this fucking shit it's just not
for me, then 3a. im locked out of so many social opportunities (i'll write more
about this in the next section cuz stuff happened) and that's going to make me
feel even worse guaranteed, 3b. what the fuck am i going to do with my life,
i've written about this before, basically like there really isn't any path in
life that looks like a path i would enjoy taking, or rather, a path where i
wouldn't want to fucking die, since that path is to be able to just, do what i
want to do, work on what i want to work on, be able to channel my energy into
stuff that actually fulfills me and brings me joy, and still be able to pay
bills and eat and live a decent life, so then 4. i'm not cut out for life. life
isn't cut out for me. society is structured in a way that's fundamentally
incompatible with the way i want to live my life, hell with who i *am*. i don't
want to live a life with the options laid out to me. if this is it then i don't
want to fucking live at all. so then the thought spiral goes to darker thoughts,
like i've lived long-ish enough, i could just kill myself and yeah i know a lot
of people would be devastated but the world would keep turning, to then i
*should* kill myself and suddenly i had to like, forcefully stop myself from
formulating a plan in my head. because i guess it's bad or something. but i dont
understand how the alternative is any better. it's a rare thing where the
emotional and logical sides of me are working together, and it's for, this. i
dont actually think im a real danger to myself, at least, not *right now*. right
now meaning right now. near future? i dont fucking know. one of the dark
thoughts was like, there's a very solid chance i just dont make it to the end of
this year. like that's a genuine possibility that im not only considering but
finding increasingly likely. it didnt scare me when i had the thought but i
guess now typing it out it kinda terrified me, and idk why, i guess im in a
slightly different headspace now then i was? but also i still feel the same way
about everything i wrote here. im gonna do everything in my power to pass all my
classes this term. i have, uh, exactly one week to do that. but if i dont then,
well, i dont know. i just dont fucking know. i want things to work out, i really
do. i actually do find enjoyment in, like, *living*, i guess. living being doing
what i want to do with my life. but if existing requires that i stop *living*,
then, i dont really want to exist. im so fucking sorry i promise i'll try to not
do anything bad, actually fuck who am i kidding i cant promise shit i just dont
want people to be scared about me.

i was planning on writing here a different unrelated thing but uh i really can't
smoothly transition from the last paragraph to this one lmao so uh yeah. cuz
this one is, not about suicide. it's about social stuff. this is a very
different tone basically just cuz ive been thinking about this for the past few
days, as in mainly a few days ago and i just forgot to write it down. basically:
this guy i sit next to in my physics class and id say im decently good friends
with (tho we dont really talk much outside of physics but still) was like hey
are you doing anything after class, if not you should come with me to Lavender
Lounge, i think you might like it there. and ive never heard of this so sure ig.
anyways basically it's a room filled with queer people lol, like people who are
lgbtqia+ come here to hang out and like, exist with each other, safe space and
all that. which is super cool, and honestly im mildly confused as to why he
wanted me to go lol, i hadnt really said anything about gender, since like, i'm
not "out" irl (still feels weird saying "out" cuz im still confused and not
confident enough to even claim to be NB, like using they/them online is one
thing cuz eh whatever but irl feels like a whole other thing im not really ready
for). and yeah, i mean i knew he was gay cuz he brought it up as an off-hand
remark at one point but that was really it, i didn't think twice about it or
anything, but yeah idk why he wanted me to go but tbh i kinda like it there?
like ok, its complicated. on one hand, i still feel a bit like i don't fit in. i
still see myself as """straight""" even if that's maybe not entirely accurate,
but like, i'm into girls, and i still ig "present" as male, or rather i just
present as the default, which happens to be male. so i was definitely the least
queer person in the room by a lot, which is fine i just felt like im not like
everyone else and i dont really fit in that much. *but* at the same time, i did
like it there. maybe it was just, socializing with others, being in a group of
people and talking to people and shit. maybe it had to do with the fact that i
could respond "they/them but also i have no idea im confused" when asked about
pronouns and feel comfortable doing so. or maybe it was just that i got an
opportunity to show some people stuff ive been working on when they showed me
what they were working on and it was nice, idk. i think the big takeaway is i
havent figured myself out yet. i think everyone goes through a phase where
they're still trying to figure out where the belong, it's just that most people
go through that phase much younger than me. im going through it later than most.
but im honestly fine with that. it's kinda fun i guess, in a weird way, feeling
like i can just try stuff, and just try "being" different and know that maybe im
completely missing the mark here and i can try something else later, like that's
cool, that's great, but also yeah i'll probably be going back to lavender lounge
just to see how i continue to feel about it. the people are at least very
welcoming, so there's that. wow lol i really went from "i fucking hate my
roommate" to "i am suicidal and i am worried i might kill myself in the
relatively near future" to "exploring who i am and hanging out with gay people
is fun :3" lmao

fuck its dawning on me that i have, like, work that needs to get done this
weekend. today is a wellness day so no classes which is nice ig but fuuuucck im
not ok (but also please dont spent too much mental bandwidth worrying about me
it's fine i'll be alright at least for now)