ok so a couple more things

1. i like the descriptor "human" for myself. or, rather, i resonate with it.
it's very descriptive and accurate for me. there's very few words that i really
like for describing myself and associating with my identity. but human? i like
that one. it's funny, i've been using "i'm a human i think" or a variation of
that as a bio or whatever for a while now, and it was always cuz im not very
creative and couldn't think of anything better, but like, tbh i think that
really suits me. maybe that makes me boring, idk. i think it fits. that being
said, i do wish i could just, exist in this word, as myself. not needing to be
anything more. but i can't. something something capitalism
2. something else for identity i missed. pretty much my whole life i've had it
ingrained in me that something's wrong with me. that i'm just lazy, not trying
hard enough, i don't really care about succeeding, just kinda destined to be
average because i don't try. and i internalized all of that. and i don't
consciously think that stuff anymore. but i know it's still part of me. i don't
think that's ever going away, the damage has already been done. i can overcome
challenges and alleviate some of it, but, a lot of that is there to stay. that's
now a part of who i am. people say things enough and i think it enough that, i
guess it sorta becomes true. not that the statements are true, but the ideas and
ramifications manifest themselves.
3. or maybe i'm just completely wrong! yeah this is the last thing im gonna
write here: brains are just globs of neurons that can recognize patterns and
make connections. most of these connections are completely wrong, but we go
about our lives as if they're correct, because it's convenient. i'm not even
talking about misinformation or anything, but just simple dumb stuff like "hm
i'm getting sick, this must be because of {thing that happened relatively
recently}", or, in my case, "i am sad. this is related to {other event that
coincided with the sadness}". and we just pretend that it's true because the
alternative is not knowing any truth, i guess. and for most people, especially
NTs, this is fucking fine! you just live your whole life not thinking about this
shit, and there's never any problems. and everything i've written here, i've
written before. i made a whole entry a while back specifically on this, about
how i know nothing. how i make connections but they're probably all wrong and i
just try to figure things out about myself but that's just my brain doing what
brains do! and i think i've fallen into the same trap again. with this whole
identity thing. im going at this the wrong way. making conclusions that sound
perfectly logical and reasonable to me, but may or may not be fundamentally
flawed. not that it's all wrong, but like, some of it may or may not be wrong
and i have no way of knowing what is and isn't right. i write about small things
and stuffs that happen to me because i want to do so. and i think that's ok. i
can continue doing that, and it's fine. ig i shouldn't jump to conclusions so
easily, but that's separate from the events themselves. i just write what i want
to. and this is all part of the process of figuring myself out. and maybe i
never will. but i think im approaching a point where i'm okay with that. i'm
reaching a point of acceptance with not knowing who i am, or like, not knowing
anything. fuck im becoming a philosopher lmao, that's cool. i was talking to a
friend earlier today, and she asked me what the status was on the whole gender
thing. and i basically summarized everything as "i still have no idea, but i'm
coming to terms with it", like, i'm more okay not knowing. and i think that's
true of everything in my life. or i'm jumping to another conclusion again lmao,
cuz maybe that's just not true at all! it's just how i feel right now. and
that's ok, that's great, but not indicative of everything. either way,

"...this is all part of the process of figuring myself out. and maybe i never
will. but i think im approaching a point where i'm okay with that."

^^^ damn good quote right there, gonna need to remember that one