alright my battery is running super low and the charger isn't currently near me
soo i guess i'll try to make this quick? or not idk im sure its fine. anyways, i
want to try to shift focus here a little bit. a little bit less of writing about
specific events that happened to me or specific feelings. hm maybe that's not
how i should put it. but like, i've been thinking a bit about what i wrote
earlier. about how i'm just, like, depressed, and sometimes i take arbitrary (or
not arbitrary) things and treat them as though they're causes, or like, things i
should work on fixing because they are main issues plaguing me, and like sure
obviously i shouldn't just completely ignore them or pretend they don't exist,
but, i think i'm ignoring stuff that's more important here. i kinda want to
focus a bit more on, like, identity. who i really am. what currently defines me.
and that's not constant. like the answer to who i am or how i define something
as personal as my identity changes drastically from week to week or even day to
day. which i guess i've never really acknowledged until literally right now,
writing that. i always thought of "identity" as an integral part of *me*. i am
my identity and my identity is me. so whenever my idea of identity changes it
must be because i don't have everything figured out. not because, well, *i* am
changing. ig that's kinda uncomfortable. the idea that *me*, the actual human
and the idea, isn't set in stone, is ever "evolving" or whatever. but i think
maybe that's how this works. but i think maybe focusing on, like, identity, and
who i am, might be a better way of utilizing this medium, then just going over
stuff that happened to me, or, emotions i felt. cuz sure that stuff contributes
to who i am but in isolation it's all pretty minor and inconsequential. idk ok
writing this it sounds kinda bad and wrong cuz saying "emotions are
inconsequential" sounds super wrong and actively harmful, but what i'm trying to
get at is i want to know *me*, not just, stuff that happens and then trying to
act like certain specific minor things are, hm, ok im doubting myself now
actually. ok im gonna go with this for now but i might completely do a 180
later, tbh it doesn't hurt to try

not really sure where to begin. gonna jot some random words down, some of which
might not mean anything to anyone but myself but that's fine.
adhd
superposition
confusion
passion
hyperfixation
boredom
desire
awkward
meaning; purpose
sometimes i just feel like a bunch of cells working together to somehow form
what i perceive to be conscious thought, which is exactly what i am but
sometimes i feel like more than that but idk honestly i think maybe i don't
think this too often and it's just whenever i think too much about identity and
"self" i get super philosophical and start to think about this existential stuff
when that's probably not helpful or relevant
i also have, like, principles that i live by, some of which i don't even *fully*
understand, and pretty much all of them if i think about it *too* hard from a
nihilist perspective i realize literally all of my beliefs break down because if
nothing matters then nothing matters but also that doesn't even come close to
changing how i feel because idk why i feel/believe certain things, i just *do*.
they're innate to who i am. my identity? but i guess identity can change. and it
does. but that's exactly the point. no need to think about nihilism or
existentialism here, i am, i have feelings i guess, they exist probably, or at
least i feel as though they do so for all purposes i care about they might as
well exist.
random thought experiment: someone knows literally nothing about me. have never
interacted with me or heard of me. they, with no additional context, read
through the entire reality log. how good of an understanding does this
hypothetical person now have of me? am i represented by my braindumps here? i...
don't know. i mean, to a certain extent, no, because i am both who i am now but
also a product of who i *was*, and who i *was* isn't really represented here. so
much of my childhood is so different to who i am now but it also shaped me in
ways i can't deny. so the present me is only part of the picture. i dont know if
i can be represented in a satisfactory way without the additional context, but
like, there's only one person who can actually know this context, and it's me.
so only i know me. no one else *really* knows me. and i think that's maybe okay?
but also i don't know me either lmao and tbh that's ok too. that itself is i
guess a part of who i am, maybe. at least, in this moment, it's a part of who i
am.
SHIT i forgot about gender identity, uhhh ok let's just skip over that for now
lmao

in conclusion: i exist, im alive i guess, i have problems but also that all
comes from who i am and what shapes me and blablabla. ok ive heard people say
stuff about how depression isn't a part of who you are, it's like a tumor. you
are not your depression, your depression hinders you and something something
stuff like that. at least for me personally, i dont think i agree with that. my
depression shapes my actions, my emotions, and my thoughts, so it shapes who i
am. maybe i would prefer to not have it? that's another part of who i am. but
the depression is still there, i can't just pretend it isn't. because so much of
my *self* is tied to this. without the depression, so much shit would just be so
different that i would just be a completely different person. so no, i can't
pretend that my identity is somehow decoupled from my depression, because then i
would be denying the impact depression has on my life.

i think i might have gotten too philosophical whoops that wasn't the intention
but i'm kinda having fun with this so fuck it we vibe

that should be a t-shirt. "fuck it we vibe"