adding on to the last entry. it's just, there's lots of things that i *should*
know and still fuck up, or things that i *do* know and somehow still fuck up.
and there's somet times where i'm not too hard on myself, like, two examples
comes to mind. first being a long while back when i sent a patch to add
hare::eval and it was rejected cuz i was doing it on the AST instead of a
type-checked unit. which yeah, obviously now i know that and of course i
wouldn't want to implement hare::eval on an AST, but like this was when i was
first starting to do stuff with Hare so i wasn't as experienced and i didn't
know. so sure that's fine, if anything it was a learning experience. another one
being x86-man-pages, which is just god awful in every way. i dont actually
remember when i wrote this, but it was probably a couple years ago maybe (i have
no concept of time so i have no idea), so im willing to excuse the dumpster fire
that is the codebase, so i guess i have improved a bit since then. also like it
was in python and im not super familiar with idiomatic python so there's that
(still doesn't excuse the bad code but eh). but like i feel like even now im
not as good as others, or where i want to be (hm i guess im comparing myself to
others again, probably shouldn't do that)

also just with general knowledge and, ok, so, IRL for the longest time i think
i've been kinda the most knowledgable when it comes to, like, everything related
to Linux/systems-programming/stuff in that vein. like by a long shot. which did
suck cuz i didnt really have people to talk to about this stuff besides me
trying to explain everything i say (poorly). but now i have more connections
online, and damn i really, don't know that much. there's lots of commands i
don't really know how to use, i still have no idea how to work with databases
which is probably bad considering how much stuff i host (ive done rudimentary
things with both sqlite/postgresql in the past, but i always have to look it up,
and of course i immediately forget everything when im done), so, yeah, i
probably shouldn't be upset about this cuz isn't this a good thing? this is
exactly what i wanted to have back when i didn't have it, and now that i have it
i don't like it. ig no matter what i'm always gonna find something to be unhappy
about. i dont want to be a grump or anything, i dont like people who are always
negative about everything and i dont want to be like that. but ig there are some
things where i think "if this were the case then i'd feel better or be happier"
when maybe that's not true and i'll always find something to feel shitty about.
ig it's good to recognize that maybe

makes me think about the whole feeling lonely thing, and how, like, huh i guess
i'd still feel like shit even if i wasnt lonely. which actually i have
experience with firsthand! whenever im with people who i really care about i
always feel awkward or like i'm being weird or that im fucking something up. i
think i need therapy for this lmao

and as for generic tetromino game, well, if i'm being realistic with myself, i
wish it were more popular, but if it were more popular than more eyes would be
on the fuck-ups i make, and there'd be more pressure and i'd feel shitty
everytime i fuck something up, no matter how minor, and i'd have resistance to
actually pushing stuff (kinda like i already do to an etend with hare). so,
fuck, wow, im just, a sad person huh, and i'll find any reason to justify my
sadness cuz ig that's what brains do. why am i even writing about this stuff
then? i write about everything i think is making me sad, when it doesn't even
change anything. sure i get moments of euphoria when things go right, like when
someone compliments my work or, like i mentioned, having someone send a
screenshot of a redesigned website, or having someone join the IRC channel, like
yeah it's great wow people care! but i guess it doesn't actually change things.
damn it's really just depression huh. just cold depression. it's not all bad,
i'm meeting with someone i think in 5 days or something to discuss the meds im
on and find alternative cuz the stuff i have rn isn't doing much for me clearly
lol.