i should really go eat but like i wanna write a couple things first (wow i have
been on fire with the writing and stuff lately)

1. had someone send me a website redesign for generic tetromino game and thats
fucking awesome, super excited about this
2. unrelated, but im, like, not a good coder lmao. or like, ok. ig it's more
accurate to say i do dumb stuff a lot, stuff where, when i go back, it just
seems very stupid and obviously wrong. ik everyone writes bugs and shit but i
feel like i do it more than others do, idk. and, like, other people can write
code that's much more readable than the code i write i guess. idk where this
came from, wait actually yeah i do, it was a patch i sent, then i sent a v2
which redid it and i was like wow that v1 really should've never been a thing,
that was dumb. and it's happened before too. like the hare patch disallowing
expressions that mutate scope outside of compound expression and all that. it
took, what 3 tries? 4 tries? to realize that this really should be in parse, and
yeah that just seems so painfully obvious in hindsight. and like, i want to get
better, obviously, but im not really sure how. like ig experience helps and
that's why i keep coding but i feel like im not actually improving in the ways
that i want to. like i don't think i'm a *bad* programmer but i'm not where i
want to be and i'm not actually getting any closer to being there. i feel that
way about a lot of things in life. like, i start out learning very fast and
doing well, and it seems like it's just super easy for me to learn and all that,
and then the learning and development just, stops. and no matter what i do i
cant figure out how to get better. probably a weird comparison but same goes
with tetris. like, i dont think ive really improved *that much* at my classic
tetris skills. like if i played a match against myself 4 months ago, idk who
would win, it could go either way. which, again, it sucks, cuz i don't think im
doing anything wrong? like i practice by playing a lot, i go outside by comfort
zone by playing right on the brink of where i feel comfortable, i watch others
play, but idk i'm still not improving. and yeah back to programming or whatever,
i sent a bunch of patches but im always the one making dumb little mistakes or
just being kinda goofy ig, when no one else seems to (or others do it much more
rarely). i dont like this part of me. i guess part of this is me comparing
myself to others, as i guess i do a lot. like, seeing others roughly my age
doing stuff and doing it, better than me, and all that. i don't think that's the
whole story, like i still just for the sake of me being good at what i do want
to improve, but also yeah it doesn't help that im surrounded (at least online)
by people who are smarter and more talented than i am. talented maybe isn't the
right word to use there, but like, more experienced, maybe. nah that's not right
either. whatever. i think i've said before in the reality log that i feel like
i'm just, like, painfully average, just in general. not super dumb, but also not
very smart. and i really dont like that.

fwiw i think i'm feeling ok rn, just been sitting down on my laptop for what the
fuck 4 hours why is time like this what the actual fuck, ok yeah i gotta get up
and do something