alright uh so i accidentally woke up at like 3:30 today. it's been a while since
this happened. tbf last night i stayed up late, not by choice, but because
people were loudly partying at like 5 in the morning in a room right across from
mine. i wouldve told them to be quiet but i was too tired to get out of bed lmao
i just wanted to sleep. anyways i woke up super late which like fuck that hasnt
happened in a long time and kinda sucks, but whatever ig. anyways uh super bowl
was today, which like yeah i really dont care about it in the slightest but
there was a super bowl party or whatever so i was like fuck it, it's either hang
out with people or just stay in my room all day and i already woke up late, i
want to, like, do stuff. so i did that. i didnt go to the "party" party thing,
that seemed very hectic and there was lots of alcohol and stuff, so funny enough
i never actually ended up watching any of the super bowl. but i hung out with
some friends and discovered gun mario 64 which was very funny and that was fun.
then i retreated back to my room, and like, that was the day. tbh there's stuff
i wanted to do today (mainly stuff i want to work on on projects, mostly generic
tetromino game) that i just didnt do, which maybe is expected, but still i feel
kinda meh about it all. like, ok, i feel a bit shitty, and also tired, which
considering how much sleep i accidentally got fucking sucks. no matter what im
always just, tired. and i hate it and tbh maybe it's like an actual condition i
should get checked out lmao, but also im always tired throughout the day but i
can never sleep at night, so the worst combination.

i've also felt more self-conscious about stuff i post/do online, and for no real
reason. just, multiple times i've wanted to, say, post stuff on fedi, or say
something on irc, and i just haven't. i've felt weird about it all. i honestly
have no idea why, since this feels pretty sudden, but yeah. i just don't want
people to think im weird, or just, not like what i'm doing. or disapprove at
all. or judge me. so i just do nothing instead.

one other thing has been irking me recently, and this one really fucking sucks
because, i don't want this to irk me. it really shouldn't, and like i feel like
i'm just being rude and a bad friend for feeling this way, which ik isnt true
but still kinda sucks? basically, like, ok, backstory: i've been doing lots of
work on generic tetromino game. (its kinda funny how i was like doing a fuckton
of stuff for the hare const overhaul and then just immediately stopped as soon
as i found something else to hyperfocus on, which is not out of the ordinary
lol). and i still maintain that i'm super proud of this. probably the coolest
thing i've ever made. and, idk, maybe that means i just don't work on much cool
stuff that i end up being proud of? or maybe this is just cool. maybe both, idk,
but point is im doing a lot here and experimenting with new stuff and working on
things and, well, it feels very lonely. it's just me doing this. no one else
wants to contribute or help out, and i get why, cuz this game has a very niche
audience, i.e. people who enjoy specifically NES tetris who would rather play
this incomplete clone than like, the actual NES tetris. and for contributors
it's people who are willing to go through an admittedly scuffed codebase written
entirely in C, and there's not many minor changes or things to be made,
especially considering that most people aren't playing this. but it sucks to
have this big accomplishment of mine and no one to *really* share it with. like,
ok, people on fedi seem to enjoy when i post about it and that's cool i guess,
but i feel like not many people are actually playing it. which is fine,
obviously people don't have to and again it's a super niche audience but still
kinda meh. shit that's still all backstory for this. ok, so, all of this is in
the back of my mind, but then i see other (admittedly very fucking cool)
projects from other friends, namely madeline and imrsh and stuff (and to a
lesser extent haredo), and again like this is honestly super cool stuff, and
it's stuff that i probably would've done some hacking around with if it weren't
for the aforementioned self-consciousness of doing, like, anything lmao. which
typing that out sounds super stupid and maybe i will hack around a bit cuz i
mean come on. but point being this stuff is also very cool and great but already
has lots of people working on it, contributing, and like, actually using this
stuff. and again i completely get why. it's much more accessible, for lack of a
better word. but a part of me can't help but feel shitty about all of it. that
this stuff gets ""popular"" (popular is not the right word to use here lol but i
can't think of anything better rn) whereas my project is just something that
people find interesting when i post about myself working on it but nothing more.
and i feel bad cuz this is 100% just jealousy, but i dont want to feel this way
because i cannot stress enough these projects are really cool and great and
deserve the love they are getting. but i still feel alone. just working on this
thing all by myself, and ig my brain craves, like, rewards for stuff i do, and
sometimes that comes in the form of seeing stuff shape up when you code it and
watching it all come together, and, like, work, that's cool af (like when i
first got the TAS running on my clone without any issues, that was really
great). but also it comes from seeing others interact with it, and enjoy my
work, and maybe even, like, want to help out with it. the former happened a
little bit, in particular when i made the first release, but after that stuff
simmered down and it almost seems like people just stop really caring. i feel
like an ungrateful bitch, and maybe i am idfk. people find the project kinda
interesting but that's about it.

and it doesn't help that recently (by recently i mean like, today and yesterday)
i haven't done much on it, just because the stuff i've tried to do hasn't really
worked out. and i hate not doing things. but, like, ok, the challenge mode is
stashed away because until i can find a way to make it more
fun/engaging/whatever i don't want to release it (and no one seems to care about
that either), i looked into bundling stackrabbit into the game itself so using
stackrabbit is as easy as just enabling the option and starting a game, but
stackrabbit's codebase is kinda a mess so this idea is also temporarily shelved,
i want to make a website for the game but i suck at making websites lol so i
dont have motivation to do that, and i've been wanting to improve the online
mode, with stuff like matchmaking with strangers and the ability to spectate
matches (would also be nice if replays worked for multiplayer matches maybe?),
and i finally have an idea on how i want this to work, but again just no real
motivation, since it's a big thing im not really sure where to begin so i just
don't begin. needless to say im not feeling super great rn.