im fucking awake again. istg i tried falling asleep hours ago. and i couldnt
fucking do it. and my fucking roommate was up AGAIN just watching tiktoks until
like 4:30, like wtf you also have classes tomorrow why the fuck are you staying
up watching shit, and without headphones on at that, fuck you, idk why i didnt
say anything but i was close to just, like, snapping. idk maybe i just couldnt
sleep and i was placing the blame all on him but im just angry rn and i think i
was reaching my breaking point and minor shit was getting to me. and of course
when he's done he puts his phone down and falls asleep in like, 5 minutes. and a
deep sleep. like, loudly snoring. pisses me off. also i'm sad because i again am
realizing i don't know what i want to do with my life and there is no option
that sounds not miserable to me. i like working on shit that i choose to work
on. that's fulfilling, doing stuff that's *fun*. i can't do that though, that's
just not an option. but i don't want to have to conform to this shitty system,
but like, i have to. so i need to waste my life away or something. like, ok,
this kinda started yesterday when i was listening to music, and, not doing
homework, and there were some songs that i never really listened to the lyrics
of and i suddenly resonated with them. one of them was novocaine by the unlikely
candidates, a random song i stumbled upon on youtube a while back that i liked
and added. and ok the lyrics definitely weren't written with my situation or
anything like it in mind but dammit i dont want to fucking change. i like who i
am right now and i dont want to fucking change shit just to conform to a shitty
system that would prefer i don't do what i want with my life. like, being here,
being at college. i don't fucking want to be here. i don't fucking want this. i
don't like any of this. i hate that, like, everything in my life up until this
point has been leading up to this. every year on my birthday more money would be
added for college savings and now what the fuck is it for. and the alternative
is a job that i won't like that will have none of the social opportunities i
have right now. and i'm just sad. sad that, like, this is all there is, i guess.
i want to, like, live, but i can't.

unrelated, yesterday since i also fell asleep super late, at like 7 or maybe
7:30 or something, i just, didnt go to any classes. it was the first day of the
term i did that, so i figured fuck it im taking an off day. i dont want to have
to take another one. holy shit i'm writing all of this while my roommate is
loudly snoring and it's so distracting

also was texting my friend a bit and maybe i'm just overthinking everything but
i feel kinda like she didn't really want to talk, well, ok, she didn't, like
*not* want to talk, but she didn't *want* to talk if that makes sense. like it's
just cuz she has to. whatever, i'm overthinking it probably, also she's in the
middle of moving so like that's taking up a lot of mental bandwidth or whatever
but still, kinda feels like i don't really have people to talk to.

i'm hungry. if i can't fall asleep within like an hour im gonna eat microwave
mac and cheese and call it an all-nighter. i can't do this shit. i know it's
just a mood swing, it fluctuates a lot, i know i'll probably be fine soon, but
right now i'm not fine.

i'm just, i'm not okay right now and i kinda wish i could go on this like,
adventure where i actually fucking live and i exist and live life the way *i*
want to (song: adventure is out there) but 1. i fucking can't, like i just don't
think that's feasible, and 2. even if it was i still wouldn't cuz i'm a lazy
asshole or something and i just wouldn't and would beat myself up for not doing
it i don't know i should stop maybe i'm making myself feel worse, or maybe i'm
just getting it all out idk i don't feel worse, i just feel kinda the same-ish.
maybe less angry and more sad but i lost more anger than i gained sadness maybe

want to keep writing. am out of things to write about. bye