1. accidentally woke up late again. then i blinked and it was like 10pm. which
is fucked up. like, i did a good amount today but i feel like i didn't do
anything. so yeah, not super great ig
2. just finished watching jessie gender's i'm done with jk rowling video. and it
made me super depressed. like it's a DAMN good video but fuck it's, depressing.
and where tf am i going with this. right it made me feel sad but also
simultaneously guilty for feeling shit for other reasons, which i know is like,
not at all what the takeaway was, in the slightest. but it's a bit of a wakeup
call for like, how much shit i *don't* go through, shit that i don't have to
deal with and others do, and what here i am using my reality log or whatever and
just complaining about mundane shit that doesn't matter. oh boo hoo i felt
mildly bad today and i also woke up late, oh no i am struggling acedemically in
a school that a lot of people can't even afford to attend. i know i shouldn't
feel this way. i know my feelings are valid. but sometimes i don't feel it. and
like even now writing this i feel guilty. like, i just took this thing about
trans people and turned it into something about me that's unrelated. maybe i'm
not cis but i'm like, not in the same ballpark here. i haven't had to face any
of this oppression and i probably never will. i don't take that for granted but
also like, ok, it's just, i'm writing here about my struggles and posting them
publicly as if they really mean anything to anyone but me. it just makes me sad
because i know how i feel, i know i feel shit sometimes, and i know that just
because of the privilege i have i don't feel, like, happy, and i go through
struggles, but then there's so many other people who go through what i do *and*
so much more and it's like fuck i can't imagine living like that, but so many
do, every single day. and what, that's just the world that we live in or
something.
3. spent a minute thinking after writing that last thing and got the urge to
apologize. for, nothing. in my own fucking journal. so, yeah, i'm sorry, i
guess. sorry for, like, idfk, overwhelming people with my feelings, on, like, my
fucking reality log which people can only find if they actively go out of their
way to go to it. idk why i do that. happens a lot. the whole having a desire to
apologize for everything thing. just like, apologizing for existing at all.
4. fuck i guess i am sad now huh? i was on the fence but hm this was inevitable
but tbh i was feeling optimistic the past few days when i was feeling happy, but
nope here we go again. not that this is permanent, it's all cycles and shit,
but, still kinda sucks. i don't like adding depressing stuff to the reality log.
i remember when, what was it, a week ago? i have no concept of time. but when i
looked back at old entries for the first time, and realized, fuck a lot of these
are just super depressing, i am a depressing person, hm. so i liked adding stuff
that felt like, hey, life is alright. but also, this is how i feel rn. and i
think this is honestly what most of the stuff here will be, cuz if i'm not
feeling shit, there's just not as much to talk about. it's funny, i also don't
like writing things that seem too "shallow" or base-level or whatever, just
generic "life is good/bad" without substance, but at the same time i don't want
to be depressing, and i know those aren't opposite goals but they seem to
conflict with one another a bit. also the whole thing of i shouldn't even have
goals here, that goes against the entire spirit of things, but that's fine. i
was thinking about this either earlier today or yesterday, again no concept of
time, about how i like overexplaining shit in the reality log. like, there's
some stuff where i go into more detail here than i would if this were private,
because if it's private then i already know the context, no need to write it
down, but when it's public i need to provide additional context. but, i... like
that. i just like writing and talking about life and stuff i do without worrying
about bothering others or needing to make much sense. i really like it. there's
also the fact that i don't say the names of friends and stuff on here for the
sake of their anonymity and privacy or whatever, but i don't mind that. just
means i have to refer to people as "my friend" and elaborate on which friend i'm
actually talking about. whatever ig.
5. spent a good amount of time doing const overhaul stuff today. that's my
current hyperfixation. which is cool but also the day went by so fast because of
it, which is less cool. idk how to feel rn, it's weird cuz i've had other days
that are very similar to this one, in that i spend all day just doing shit for
my hyperfixation, but i feel good those days. i don't really feel shitty. but
today wasn't one of those days, despite no big differences (maybe the sleep
actually, the waking up late, actually that probably plays a big role now that
i'm thinking about it, luckily i kinda have to wake up early-ish during the week
so hopefully that helps)
6. i wish i had more to say. i like writing. and i don't like ending on an
abrupt note. that's why i always end with an "okay that's all bye" or something
like that, it's a bit less abrupt. speaking of abruptness,