ok im about to go to bed but i wanna write here first. i kinda had a block
writing here, which stemmed from a block checking my school email and doing work
and stuff. i finally did it today, and weirdly i dont think im actually that far
behind or doing too terribly with school stuff. i have a meeting with a prof
tomorrow to discuss some stuff, so that's a thing. but basically, i had a block
doing the stuff i needed to do, and i felt guilty about it and felt like i can't
write and complain about it cuz then i'm not *doing* it and basically guilting
myself. i think the fact that the reality log is public didn't help here; i felt
like people would judge or i was somehow letting others down as well. i still
like the public reality log but it definitely hurt here. either way now im here
again and the block is hopefully gone. what's interesting is like, i don't get
blocks like this nearly as often for things like, say, working on hare, and all
that. don't get me wrong, i do, and i burn out sometimes, but like, generally,
stuff like that is stuff i just enjoy doing, and things like sending emails
don't feel like chores, as they do for things i don't like doing. there is still
a lot of stress when it comes to sending emails though, i'm working on that. i
feel like im more rambly rn than usual. and making less sense and having less
connected thought-out thoughts.

tbh i prefer the list-style format to the "just dump stuff" format (which i
wouldn't have expected if i didn't try it):
1. mood has not been awful. inconsistent but generally okay-ish i think. there's
a cloud of stress following me everywhere i go, especially when i don't check my
school email or am behind on homework, and of course then it's harder to
actually do stuff, but it's still managable and i'm not super depressed rn. i
think that, honestly, i've been genuinely doing stuff to make things better for
myself, and i'm proud of that kinda. i should give myself credit here. i'm
taking steps in the right direction. shit is still super imperfect but that's
okay. i'm doing good maybe
2. interesting thing happened yesterday. i'm gonna do a shit job writing it here
but that's ok. basically sometimes (oftentimes) people come over to the house,
just friends and shit. and i was in the common room, and so was someone else
(who resides here) and the doorbell rang and they got it cuz they knew who it
would be. and this girl comes in just sobbing and balling her eyes out. i don't
remember the exact details of things but it was a mixture of shit happening with
friends and dates and also tying into bipolar disorder and it was a lot and she
just couldn't handle it anymore. and i was just coding in the common room, and
like... i didn't know what to do. cuz it was just her and the other guy, she was
venting to him and i was just... there, the only other one there, and i felt
like i really shouldn't be there cuz this was super personal stuff. but she said
something about how she always drives people away and i was like ok i'd feel bad
for leaving if she thinks she did something bad and it makes things worse, so i
just... kinda sat there, saying nothing, pretending to mind my own business i
guess. in the middle of venting she looked at me and just apologized constantly
at me and i was like no please don't apologize it's really okay, and then later
she (still crying) said sorry if any of this is triggering to you and all that
and i basically said it's really okay, if me being here is uncomfortable do you
want me to leave? because i can if you want, and she said no it's fine, and then
i basically just said idk the full context of things but it sounds like you're
having like, a really shit time, and i'm just really sorry you have to go
through all of that. it's a lot and it's okay to feel the way you do rn, and
yeah. and she just like, instantly lightened up and kinda started laughing about
the situation, and she was still distressed but more calm and rational now,
partially cuz she got it out of her system already, but also like, i think i had
something to do with it? after this she left cuz she had somewhere to be and she
thanked both of us and i was like i don't think i really did much but youre
welcome lol, but, it's nice cuz i think i'm just good at, how do i say this,
being someone who is comfortable to be around, where people feel ok opening up
and i can make them feel better just by listening and, idk. cuz there have been
multiple occassions where this has happened. there was the stuff with my friend
over the summer where we opened up to each other a lot and that just kinda
happened out of nowhere, just cuz we felt, like, comfortable, and then earlier
this year someone else just randomly started telling me personal shit and was
like oh shit why did i do that, it just kinda happened, you are just someone who
is easy to talk to about this stuff, and i said yeah funny enough this isn't the
first time that's happened. so i kinda take pride in that i guess. that i'm
someone who people can talk to and feel comfortable around. i don't think i do
anything particularly special or unique, i just kinda... am myself? and
something about *me* makes me approachable and all that. which i like. it feels
kinda weird that i'm praising a part of my personality like this, like it feels
narcissistic kinda, but i think it's ok and i should allow myself to do that.
cuz sure maybe it's just who i am but it's still really good and it's a part of
myself that i like. ig this ties in more to slowly beginning to like who i am.
it's cool! over the past, idk, year, i've been slowly liking *myself* more and
more. i used to hate myself, then dislike myself, then feel neutral, and now i'm
starting to think that maybe i'm actually alright. that button that changes who
i am and makes me normal? i don't think i would press it. at least not with how
i feel right now. idk i feel weird with this. like i don't want to be
narcissistic or anything, but i think the way i feel now is healthy?
3. as soon as i finished writing that i had a surge of thoughts of other things
to write but it was all at once and i forgot it all and also i'm tired so i
won't write it. but it's cool, ties into identity and all that i guess. oh also
everyone irl still calls me he/him and treats me as male (including family) cuz
i haven't really said anything to anyone outside of silently changing pronouns
online. cuz it feels awkward to do especially if i might change them back.
family i definitely could and maybe will, but friends who im not super close
with, it just feels, weird. but also like i still can't tell how i feel, cuz idk
if i don't like he/him because i actually don't like it or because i'm telling
myself i shouldn't like it and just going with that. idk the difference. so
that's cool ok bye