1. im noticing myself slacking more on school work. and just not doing stuff i
need to do while being aware of what im doing. but the more i dont do the more
of a block there is for actually doing it. like i cant even get myself to check
my school email at this point. which is very bad. i... have mixed feelings here.
on one hand, i don't like it here and don't think this is for me. and i actually
do find enjoyment out of working on other things that i think i might be able to
possibly find a job for (maybe). but on the other hand... the social
opportunities
2. speaking of social opportunities, yeah ok so a thing happened today right. we
had a house meeting, not super important, but for whatever reason someone
brought up (unrelated to the meeting, just we were there) that they didnt have
many friends on campus besides everyone in the house, and i was like yeah i feel
that. and multiple people were like "seb that's because you never leave your
room". and at first i was defensive but then i realized hm ig the main reasons i
go out are for class and food and sometimes other stuff but not really social
activities or anything. like whenever im down in the common room it's when
there's few people there or im fucking around with the wii. so then after the
meeting i was fucking around with the wii cuz i was bored and someone told me
that everytime i'm here that's the only thing they see me do, and then said
"this is why you don't have friends". and that kinda hit hard but i cant be mad
cuz its kinda true. like they're just laying the cold truth on me. so yeah
joining clubs i will definitely be doing that. im sick of being lonely. the only
issue is... the whole checking my school email thing. still a block there.
hopefully i do that tomorrow. then i'll join some clubs, i have some tabs open
for a couple im interested in and i will absolutely be doing this. like i guess
i have a reputation for just hermiting in my dorm all day which i didn't realize
but i mean i guess so. actually ok someone asked me on irc how i write so much
code (which btw that made me feel really good reading that lmao, like it's
fucking dumb kinda and maybe i shouldn't care so much but it feels good to feel
like, i'm doing stuff, i'm making a difference, and doing a good job, that feels
good and that kind of praise gets to me, in a good way) and i think i said
something about how i ignore other responsibilities i actually need to be doing,
which is absolutely true, but also im realizing it's cuz i ignore social shit
too. i just get sucked in to coding and do nothing else. which is both good and
bad but tbh probably mostly bad. i think that... im not super unlikable. like
obviously some people will find me annoying and i cant stop that. sometimes it
gets to me but whatever. but all in all i think im generally a likable person,
and im just not putting myself out there at all. partially cuz im not doing
extracurricular stuff and partially cuz im shy as fuck and reserved. so uh wow
cool
3. ive been putting my self out more in that irc thing im in. talking more and
stuff. hopefully im not annoying or weird. i think im doing alright. trying to
not overthink things. but yeah ive been making an effort to like, talk more
there, and i think it's working and good and i like it i think. i still dont
talk that much but i mean it's more than i was. also helps that i'm doing things
that i can talk about, like the const overhaul (there's also another thing i've
been working on on-and-off but i explicitly dont want to tell anyone what it is
until its in a state where i want to make it public cuz i kinda want it to be a
surprise, i really love the idea and i think itd work best like that. might
change my mind idk, also this is good cuz i dont feel obligated to work on it if
i dont want to, or guilty for letting people down or anything. it releases when
it releases)
4. i simultaneously have a big ego and a non-existant ego. whichever makes me
feel worse is how i feel. like if someone is praising me or my work suddenly i
think that actually i don't deserve it, but if i feel like my work is being
ignored, i feel like actually hey i'm proud of this someone please say how cool
this is. but i never feel satisfied no matter what. again i know nothing so i
might be completely wrong with this analysis