i should be sleeping. but i just want to write rn. i probably shouldnt be, like
i really dont want to fuck up my sleep schedule even more than it already is.
but i just want to write and fuck it i've made worse decisions.

1. depressive episodes come and go, and i can feel one coming. like, i've felt
it throughout today and i worry it's gonna get worse.
2. even the simplest of homework is overwhelming to me. how the fuck am i gonna
do this.
3. on the topic of depressive episodes and shit, loneliness! yeah. it's a thing
and i feel it really strongly. i'm also realizing that i'm not doing that much
to curb it, that is i'm not in many groups or clubs or anything. i tried doing
some clubs at the beginning of the school year and stopped pretty early on, but
i should really give it another go. this was the thing that got me on my laptop
before writing this, actually. i was like ok fuck it i'm looking at clubs i can
join. i'm done being lonely, i fucking hate it. i found a couple that look like
they might maybe be interesting and i might join maybe. or at least go to a
meeting or two and try it out.
4. been playing a LOT of "from below" recently. here's the thing, i know my NES
is working now, and i also know there's a noticable difference in input delay
between the NES and my clone. this input delay is most likely fixable, if i just
make some tweaks to how input is handled. but i havent had motivation to work on
generic tetromino game. but i also want to play on my clone and not the NES. so
because of that i just haven't been playing NES tetris. from below fills the
niche of a version of tetris i can play that's also just, fun, and i enjoy, and
stuff. but i still miss NES tetris. i think
5. just thought of this (and i was thinking about this earlier today actually)
cuz i said "i think" and i say that all the time, along with "probably" and
"maybe" and stuff like that. but it's just, my personality, and who i am. and
whether i like it. whether i like myself. here's a specific scenario. i have a
button in front of me. if i press it, it gets rid of my ADHD. i am now a
completely """normal""" person. all of the downsides and upsides, gone. it
probably significantly alters my personality, and, like, who i *am*. do i press
it? ask me this a month ago, hell, a week ago maybe? and i would say absolutely,
in a heartbeat, no hesitation. i would say, look, i know there's others who like
who i am right now, but, maybe selfishly, i would still not hesitate to press it
and change who i am so my life is less miserable and more tolerable. but if i
had the button in front of me right now? ...i don't know. it definitely wouldn't
be in a heartbeat. it wouldn't be a decision that i instantly know. maybe i
still would press it. i just, don't know. it's weird because i would think this
means, hey, i'm happy with who i am, i'm content, this is a good thing and shows
that i'm in a kinda good place. but like i said, i think i'm currently getting
worse (just on that part of the wave). which makes this strange. i think i'm
just learning more about myself and developing more of an identity or something.
also, like, the more i live, the more i would feel like i'm giving everything up
and starting over, and that's a bit scary, actually yeah that's kinda
horrifying. if this were, hell, even a year ago, i'd have less to lose. not that
i have a *huge* amount to lose rn, but it'd be a good amount. which is probably
a big factor here. i also constantly think back to my friend who i've brought up
on here a lot. i think i think of her too much maybe. not that she would mind,
but eh. but like, i wonder if she played a role in me more accepting who i am?
and idk if it was her in particular or just *having* a close friend who was
supportive and i could talk to about this stuff. or maybe it's unrelated
entirely and i just miss her and am conflating the two emotions. not sure, but,
yeah, the button, ok idk if i like who i am but i might want to keep who i am
just out of fear of what the alternative would be. even if the alternative is
just, being normal.
6. on the topic of ADHD. oh it's also another gender thing wow look at me go!
loooots of imposter syndrome. a couple things i'm noticing. one is i have to
constantly remind myself that i'm nonbinary or whatever, cuz otherwise i kinda
just default to being a boy? which, like, that's... not right. the other thing
is just being uncertain about everything in general. obviously i know imposter
syndrome is a thing, but, for instance, with ADHD, i never felt a huge amount of
"this isn't right" or "i'm faking it". a little bit, sure, but i've always been
pretty sure that it pretty accurately describes me. and the tiny bits of
imposter syndrome i have felt have been pretty easily refuted by myself, and it
hasn't gotten out of hand at all really. but with gender? god i think i'm faking
it. like, not intentionally, but just i think in my quest to try to figure
things out for myself i came to a wrong conclusion. there's specific things i've
been thinking about here: when i think of words i think of in a
positive/negative light: for whatever reason, words like "male" and "man" i
perceive negatively (to be clear not **always**, just, if i had to characterize
a word as strictly positive or negative with no additional context), whereas the
word "boy" i perceive positively. it's strange, cuz, normally the distinction
between "man" and "boy" is an age thing. transitioning from boy to man is
growing up. but for some reason i generally don't see it as an age thing. like,
if i think of myself as a boy, i feel a lot better than thinking of myself as a
man. i don't know exactly why that is. i have a few ideas: negative perceptions
of masculinity in general, or fuck is this a kink thing god i really hope this
isn't a kink thing. like, being a sub or whatever. which is funny cuz i don't
really see myself as a sub, more of a switch who is also super touch starved and
just wants to be loved, but also i have literally no experience and i sure as
hell am not a dom so idfk. but i like the idea of being, like, a cute boy or
something. being a "man" insinuates that i'm big and tough and i don't want to
be that. also, i'm, not that. even if i wanted to be big and tough, i'm just,
not, i'm not intimidating in the slightest lol. so maybe i am cis and just had
some things there or something. but i still don't know. i don't feel satisfied
no matter what. but yeah uhhhhhh fuck. i just want closure i guess. and i don't
think it's normal to not have any form of closure after all this time. like by
now i should have a pretty good idea one way or another. but i just don't. i'm
at a complete loss. completely clueless.
7. i said something above about being cute? i think by some definitions of the
word i'm cute? like, personality-wise at least i think sometimes maybe i am, at
least to some people. i hope i am, i want to be, that would be nice. looking
cute and being cute in general is a bonus, but maybe if i took better care of
myself physically i'd have an easier time there. not that i don't take care of
myself, but i don't put in that much effort into it either. just kinda do what i
need to to be clean and hygenic and occasionally a bit more but usually not.
8. hm ig a good theme for this entry is identity issues. idk who i am or who i
want to be. and i'm stuck in college and i don't know if i want to be here or
not, and if i don't where i want to be instead. there's more about myself i
don't know than i do know right now. and i hate it. it's so uncomfortable. feels
shitty.
9. FUCK i need to go to sleep. i've been writing for half an hour at this point.
that's weird, it did NOT feel like half an hour. felt like 10 minutes. ok i need
to stop, gn, i just hope that somehow i'll figure out more about myself to get
some peace of mind here. (or maybe that's not even why i feel shitty and i'm
just doing the thing where i find random stuff and make connections that don't
exist). but idk how else i'll figure out about myself cuz so far i've just been
going in circles and i'm missing a piece that doesn't exist
10. ONE more thing, i realized yesterday and a bit today that i'm really not
that smart. compared to others around me. i'm kinda dumb actually. i used to be
super smart but as i've aged i haven't gotten smarter, i just started out smart
and growed more slowly. ok that's all