really want to write. don't know what to write. idk let's just type and see what
happens.

1. it's really dumb that i've been caring so much about my gender identity
recently, cuz like, it really doesn't matter for me. like sure if it actually
changed how i went about my day to day life or how i presented or anything sure
but like... it doesn't. it's just closure for me i guess? and maybe that's not a
bad thing but i fixate on it so much like it's this huge deal and it really
isn't
2. very scared about classes. very scared.
3. counselling is... not super helpful? or maybe it is? but i don't feel like i
get much out of it. i'm gonna keep doing it though, in fact we scheduled several
appointments in advance just so it's done, and it's every other week so like
sure that's fine i can do that, if nothing else it makes sure i get out of bed
in the morning when i would otherwise have nothing else going on and might let
myself stay in bed, which is not good.
4. more hare contributing, hell yeah this is a good thing. kinda wish i didn't
have to wait so long to get feedback on patches and have stuff applied, but i
mean i can't complain considering how long i took to send a lot of my patches
lmao.
5. still don't know what my mood is. again still a good thing.
6. i've been super horny recently lol
7. i always feel either bad for talking too much or too little. like if i text
someone. i either text them and feel like i shouldn't because it's somehow weird
and unnecessary and they don't want to talk, *or* i don't text and then feel
shitty because they probably want to talk and think you're deliberately ignoring
them! so like ok make up your fucking mind, me.
8. also always wanting to apologize for nothing but again like that's weird af
and also unhealthy and i've already said this on here i am a broken record
except instead of playing music the record just plays an apology video on loop
but you're not quite sure what it did wrong even though there's a vague feeling
that there was *something* however minor wow what a story, i'm like an author if
instead of writing stories i wrote shitty ramblings generally pertaining to my
emotions at certain points in time
9. i just thought of this. this happened last friday, when i was at my friend's
house, when it was like the last time in a long time i'm gonna see her in person
and all that. i don't even remember exactly what we were talking about, actually
i think it was don't hug me i'm scared, and like we were going on about some bit
of lore and i was super invested and focused and then out of nowhere i turned
and see a jar of legos and just go "hm legos" and she just burst out laughing
and it was really funny. she said basically it was really funny how one moment
i'm super focused and invested in a topic and next moment i'm just all over the
place easily distractible. and i remember this because, and i didn't really
realize it then, but, i was really happy with that. which you would think i
would hate that description because i hate that part of me, *but* this was the
first time in a while where i felt actually happy with who i was. i've said
before that i wish i wasn't me, that i wish i were someone different. and this
is the first time that i thought hm yeah that is me, that's part of my
personality, and i guess some people really like that about me and see that as
part of who i am and they generally like who i am, and tbh when it's not
actively working against me i like that about me too. it's a neat quirk of mine.
there's a difference between being "quirky" and "not normal" imo. i'm both, and
i hate being the latter. but i like quirks like that. and idk it was nice, not
sure why i thought of this, like even in the moment i wasn't actually thinking
too hard about any of what i just wrote, but just looking back i really liked
it. actually come to think of it i guess there's a lot of parts about myself
that i generally dislike that she seems to like. or at the very least not
dislike. i think that's part of why we're such good friends. i mean the other
part is how personal we've gotten with each other, how vulnerable we were and
shit, but also just our personalities work. it's funny, when we were reminiscing
about the good times over the summer and all that, one thing i brought up was
that it sounds fucking stupid but i owe a lot of who i am to her, and she
basically said yeah same her, especially my fucking stupid sense of humor i owe
to you, which was really funny lmao. i left a mark i guess with my potty/cum/sex
humor. i don't think i've ever really had a friend like her, like i've had close
friends in the past but none like this. and yet i still feel guilty for talking
to her because of #7, the whole feeling like i'm talking too much which like
that's bullshit obv, i know this. i just still feel awkward and shitty. i don't
think that would change no matter who it was. that's something i like about the
reality log. it's not at all a replacement for communication, far from it, but i
can just write shit that's as long as i want without feeling guilty about it.
without feeling guilty, for, like, being me, i guess.
10. music is cool