random thought i had, actually i had this thought a little bit ago (was it
earlier today or yesterday? god i don't remember) but basically ok i finally
shaved. tbh i was putting it off and being lazy and stupid so it was a bit of a
mess so i figured eehhh why not let's shave all the facial hair off and see how
i feel. my very first impression, after first doing it, was "i don't like it".
couldn't explain why, just didn't. i think tbh i just wasn't used to it. after
having had facial hair for so long it was a bit weird ig. idk if it's a similar
feeling to getting a haircut or not. but after living like this for a little
while i'm more happy with it. not like, oh yeah this is much better, in fact if
anything just indifferent and i don't notice it too much, but yeah, that's a
thing. all makes me feel even more complicated about gender, cuz i feel like i'm
just not experiencing the stuff i would be if i actually was NB. obviously
something something imposter syndrome and yeah, it's tricky cuz i'd definitely
be having these thoughts no matter what so i really can't conclude anything,
which sucks cuz i *want* to conclude something and i keep having doubts, i
literally do not know. it's like... part of me kinda *wants* to be NB while also
not wanting to force it? actually writing that out i'm realizing the only actual
requirement for gender is, well, wanting to be said gender, so ok fair enough.
still feelings kinda weird for me, but yeah i guess that's imposter syndrome. i
know nothing lol

unrelated, it always feels good to send patches to stuff like hare. i wish that
enough was motivation to work on stuff. it feels more like a bonus to doing
stuff i enjoy than a reason to do stuff, which ok yeah i'm typing that like it's
a bad thing when no actually that's... good. i think. maybe.

progress on text editor has abruptly stalled since i realized that oh wait this
is a very difficult thing to do actually. or rather, i want to do it *right*
kinda, which means just representing the buffer as a slice of bytes or whatever
is a bad idea since for large files that's very inefficient, so i'm looking into
other ways to represent the buffer, and there's a couple things, but then ok
that's a lot of extra logic and bleh bye bye motivation. kinda sucks cuz i wish
i was motivated to work on stuff like this, cuz it's cool! i'm really fascinated
by the data structures and all that, but it's just a minor roadblock that kills
my desire to work on stuff, which sucks because i want to learn stuff by doing.
so far in the text editor i've been implementing everything but the actual text
editing part (which isn't a bad thing per se, since i pretty much *have* to get
the other parts of the design correct or else i'll have to redo most of it just
because of the way i envision it), but yeah. come to think of it a lot of the
stuff i've worked on recently has just been learning experiences, which is
really good! code corner didn't really go anywhere (still really want to pick
that back up and finish it, it would be cool af) but in working on it i
implemented a DIY zlib/deflate decompresser, part of a markdown parser, and of
course i learned a lot about git internals and did a LOT of parsing of git
stuff, and i'm really proud of that and that's all really good stuff to know.
generic tetromino game was my first real SDL2 project and my first video game
type thing that wasn't on Scratch (damn Scratch was good shit, makes me think
back to when everything in my life was looking up and i wasn't really worried
about much else or depressed or anything, back when ADHD was actually a
"""superpower""" and not just a constant burden, or maybe it's just rose-colored
glasses idk), and also i got experience working with TCP sockets for the online
mode, and porting to MinGW and all that. and now with this text editor that will
probably go nowhere, i'm already learning about different data structures, and
also getting experience working with unix sockets, since that's what the entire
design is built on. so i guess even the stuff that's abandoned has value.
thinking about more off the top of my head, x86-man-pages and the super
unfinished assembler that goes with it taught me about x86 instruction encoding,
and also that i am incapable of making a python codebase that isn't a dumpster
fire lmao, a while back i did some osdev stuff which was an awesome learning
experience, but i restarted it quite a few times and scrpped everything a while
back and at this point i don't have much desire to do anything there, but i
might try that again in the future (the main thing is, the way i envision it the
OS is basically just a runtime environment for some programming language;
instead of files you just have data, and instead of programs you have functions,
which themselves are just data. the problem is this kinda requires building my
own programming language, so now there's this problem where i need to build a
programming language for an OS that doesn't exist yet, but which can't exist
until the programming language is made. ALSO even the programming language part
i never got far with because i could never figure out a design that i was super
happy with. for a while i experimented with having the source code be structured
data instead of raw text, and even then the design shifted a lot, but all of
this was scrapped multiple times and i still don't know what to do so i probably
just won't for a while. why am i writing about this?). anyways uhhhh idk i think
i sometimes make cool stuff and i hold myself to very high standards which is
both good and bad but honestly it's mostly bad, but also sometimes i want to
make cool stuff and i never do, and stuff.

OH YEAH classes started today, i'm... unsure. i mean they don't seem awful i
think??? god i really can't fucking fail

ngl i miss having, like, close friends