fuck i should write more often here. for some reason i just didn't feel like it
over the past few days even though a lot happened

1. i think i might maybe be non-binary maybe! it's really nice having multiple
trans friends who can help out with this stuff and can answer questions and all
that. but uh yeah apparently some stuff i took for granted might have been
gender dysphoria? i'm still unsure cuz like... i don't feel *super* strongly
that i'm non-binary and it's tough to know what is and isn't gender dysphoria
cuz i don't have much of a frame of reference but idk. i figured i'd try it out,
so i changed my pronouns on all the stuff i use to they/them (actually funny
thing, my college uses a thing called Workday and i can set pronouns there but i
tried changing them and it just wouldn't let me because apparently i already
have a change in progress that's supposedly been in progress since august but it
says the status is completed so i have no way to get rid of it so i just can't
change my pronouns). might change them back later, not sure.

2. so someone else discovered generic tetromino game and it turns out they're
also in the classic tetris scene and that was cool af! they're going to a
tournament this weekend and they said they'd tell their friends about the game
cuz they were impressed at how good it was, and like, ok, the flipside of
feeling negative emotions super strongly is i also feel positive ones pretty
strongly as well, and reading that made me so giddy and happy, i was so excited
and i still am tbqh. so yeah really cool and i'm excited and i'm glad people are
enjoying a thing i made and also i'm proud of myself honestly

3. i overthink every message i send

4. i've been in ##furry for a bit now just to see what it's all about. honestly?
idk, i don't feel much of an urge to participate. like it looks fun but also not
really for me? but also i still don't know, i'll stick around for a bit longer,
there's really no harm since i'm not chatting either way i'm just lurking, so
that's fine

5. kind of a minor thing and i feel like i shouldn't even feel any way about
this but i kinda do: drew devault gave a talk about hare around a week ago or so
(something like that, it was late december 2022) and i took a look at the slides
cuz i was bored, and one of the last slides is a thank you to all contributors
that listed everyone's names, and i couldn't help but notice i wasn't listed
there. there's two reasons i can think of here, 1. is that sebastian lavine was
listed and since my commits are just "Sebastian" he thought we were the same
person or something, or 2. i haven't contributed in a while at this point and
maybe it's only recent commits or something, since i've been just not doing much
of anything for hare recently. or 3. just a regular mistake, idk. idk why i'm
even bringing this up, cuz i'm like 95% sure this isn't personal, obviously. but
i still interpret all this stuff as if it is personal? even though it definitely
isn't. again my logical side yelling at my emotional side going hey shut the
fuck up use your fucking brain for once and my emotional side going lalala i
can't hear you while also wondering why everyone hates me, so fun times.
speaking of which i should do stuff for hare. the big thing is honestly that i'm
already sitting on a lot of patches, multiple of which are major things
(checking that all fields of a struct are initialized, @nodefault (was that
merged? i forget), i think i added @align?? and also an align() keyword, and i
think something else too that i forget, oh yeah and enums without a zero value
don't have a default value, that too). but some of them need just minor things
done, and for some reason those minor things are bigger blockers than if it were
major things that i needed to do. that and i feel like i shouldn't send them all
at once (though at this point once i finally do go back and make those fixes and
send the patches i probably will do it all at once, just to get feedback and
shit). on this note i wonder how having a job in this field would be for me. i
mean obviously hare is different cuz it's not a *job*, but i kinda just stopped
doing stuff for it and if that's an indicator for future endeavors then that's
pretty bad. (other random aside, the talk of implementing a borrow checker is
interesting and i wish i could contribute but i don't know enough lol, i looked
for stuff online and there's not much easily digestable info, so i tried to just
wing it thinking ok i'll make a prototype, and then quickly realized yeah
that's... not gonna happen, so that was scrapped, and now i'm rambling but it's
cool stuff and it's interesting and maybe at some point i'll be able to
contribute something meaningful to that, probably once the groundwork is already
layed out)

6. thinking of my emotion rn, or rather my emotion for the past day or so.
obviously there was the burst of happiness from the tetris thing, but other than
that? not happy, not sad, just indifferent. which i'm not complaining.