aaaaaand happy new year! it's been a little bit. let's jump in to things. i have
a list of things i want to bring up lol so im just gonna go through them one by
one. if i ever get bored i'll just stop and do the rest of the list later. lets
go

1. took me a while to find motivation to write more entries here. it was the
type of thing where i stopped and then i didnt really wanna start again and
stuff. and i felt like i needed to catch the reality log up. and tbh i still
feel that way. which is dumb cuz i dont but thats why i'm writing so much. cuz
it just feels weird not to.

2. speaking of motivation, it's been... complicated recently lmao. there have
been plenty of days where i've honestly had lots of motivation to work on stuff,
particularly generic tetromino game has seen a lot of progress. but it's been
slowly fading away. kinda? cuz i've felt that way a couple times over the past
week and then it just comes back. so idk. not complaining lol

3. so i have this friend who i've been hanging out with. i think i'd consider
her my closest friend tbh (i've written about her on here before). and she's
moving very soon, in just over a month. and of course im going back to college
sooo this is basically our last opportunity to hang out in person before she
moves away. not that i'll never see her again, but it will be a very rare
occurance. which fucking sucks, and like i didnt really internalize that shit
this is it until very recently and yeah im gonna really fucking miss her. again
not that we won't be able to like, still talk, obviously, but it's still not
quite the same. and i dont have very many other close friends.

4. loneliness wow! yeah i've been feeling that a lot. realizing that like, look,
ok, i have a close friend and that's fucking great. honestly i'd rather have one
close friend than a large group of regular friends so i can't complain at all
here. but i still feel kinda empty, and if i'm honest with myself, it's because
i'm still single. no girlfriend. there's a void there. my friend and i have a
lot in common and one of those things is not very many close friends besides
each other, but the difference is, well, she has a girlfriend. and they're mad
in love lol, and i see why, they just are really great together, kinda made for
each other. but it just adds to the feeling of loneliness. of wanting... that.

5. something i realized when i was hanging out with her the other day. is that,
i pretty much constantly have this looming feeling that i'm always doing
something wrong. that everything i do is wrong and i always need to apologize.
and it fucking sucks. especially because, apologizing kinda makes me feel better
sometimes, but also it would be annoying as fuck for me to constantly apologize
over minor shit that to others literally does not matter at all, and also it's
probably unhealthy for me to apologize for literally everything and i've been
trying to do it less because of that, but damn its kinda hard a bit. especially
when the feelings of always doing something wrong lead to me seeking extra
clarification that hey i'm not being annoying or anything right but then i think
hmm that was kinda annoying and weird to say, shit now that's wrong, wow you
just can't catch a break happy 2023 bitch

6. the next thing i have written here is "not really belonging anywhere". not
sure what else to add to that. it's super accurate but also there's not much
else to say there.

7. ok SO i've been inspired to try to start making music. not expecting anything
crazy, in fact i'm expecting that it will suck ass, which is fine and great.
mainly inspired by, again, that friend i keep bringing up. she's super talented
and makes a lot of music and like damn i want to do that. it also ties in to the
whole wanting to be an artist thing i've brought up on here before (actually ok
i brought this up with my friend and she was basically like isn't programming an
artform? i never really thought of it as one, but i guess it is a way to create
things and yeah it totally can be art. i still think of it differently,
especially cuz of the stuff i typically do/make, but still. doesn't really allow
me to express myself much, but idk). one thing stopping me in the past is that i
just couldn't come up with songs. couldn't even think of a melody. don't get me
wrong if i sat at a piano and just tried to make something that sounds not trash
i could probably do it. it might even sound ok. but not like, good. but for some
reason over the past week i've just been thinking of melodies for songs? not
constantly, not at all. but usually it's when i'm about to drift off to sleep or
something, i'll think of it, and i'll quickly record it. and sometimes i can
expand on that idea and add more to it. and i also think of the harmonies too
and the instruments and stuff, like that all comes with it. which is cool as
fuck! i can't do much else with those melodies though... i'm not good at making
anything more than that. BUT it's a start. the next problem is... i have zero
experience making music. i tried out Ardour today... and immediately gave up
because it was too overwhelming. it seems not super beginner-friendly. like it's
very high quality software and there's a lot i can do with it but i just don't
know where to start and i know the correct thing to do is probably to start by
following some tutorials and then just messing around and trying stuff out, and
i might do that, maybe. i should. whether i will is a different story but i
should.

8. "mood slightly deteriorating this break, but still feel okay-ish i think"

9. ok this part will be interesting. i've been getting... more and more
interested in the furry community? like i've always really respected it but also
it seems really nice and like something i might enjoy... but also i don't know.
i guess i have 2 main concerns. first is that the furry fandom is overwhelmingly
queer, which i am not. i know this doesn't mean i'm not welcome or anything, but
i do worry that i would have a harder time fitting in because of this. and yeah
yeah i know as far as things go, cishet man is worried he won't fit in to
community is... not up there on the list. but i also don't want to feel
excluded, or, that's not the right word, but left out somehow. i honestly feel
really shitty typing this out cuz it feels like im complaining about stuff i
have no right to complain about. like oh no i'm no longer in the majority within
a community, oh the horror. i feel like i shouldn't care. but part of me does
care... and it sucks and i wish i didn't but i do. again i don't think i
wouldn't be welcome or anything, this is all just me battling myself i guess.
the other thing is it just feels like a lot being a part of the community. and i
probably won't tbh. again i still respect furries and think highly of the
community but idk if it's for me. it could be cool if i could participate but
idk if i have it in me? also again i'm not an artist or anything and ok i know
that's not a prerequesite but it absolutely would help (i saw multiple articles
when i was researching this talk about creative expression, and how no matter
what your talents are you'll be able to fit in, and then they proceeded to list
generic popular art-forms as talents, which don't get me wrong they're all great
but i don't have any of those, idk how i'd express myself). so this was a
long-winded way to say basically nothing. ig it's good for me to acknowledge
that i'm still young and i'm having identity issues. and that's ok and normal
and i should just go down whatever path feels right and also realize that
nothing is set in stone.

10. oh shit i'm going back to college soon, kinda scared about that. like i
don't want to. but i guess that's what's happening. my sleep schedule is
weirdly, kinda under control now (well, not weirdly, because that's been
something me and my parents have been working on), and eating is... better than
it has been. so maybe it will be ok. or maybe it won't, god who the fuck knows i
just want this shit to work out.

ok yeah that's all, gonna try to write more often here, bye bye happy santa