ok im at a point where im thinking a lot of stuff and there have been a couple
of times where i've tried to write it down but i ended up deleting everything
and just scrapping the entire entry. i just... don't really know how to
articulate the stuff im saying? that's one part, the other part is, despite the
entire point of the reality log, i still feel weird saying some stuff. like
there's some things that just feel weird or cringy to say, so i type them out
and then just... delete them, like it doesn't matter if no one reads it it's
still uncomfortable to even have that typed out. to be clear it's not anything
*bad*, it's just, uncomfortable stuff? a lot of it is stuff relating to personal
relationships, my feelings about said relationships, how i characterize people
in my head (conversations that happen in my head basically), conversations i
*actually* have with people, and ways i wish they went and things i wish i said
and did, and then also anything relating to horny (usually unrelated to the
stuff previously mentioned lol, but also uncomfortable to write about). that
last one is interesting, because like, i generally try to be sex-positive and
destigmatize this stuff, and i don't even think it's a "stigma" thing, i think
it's just not wanting to make people uncomfortable and feeling like it's really
personal stuff that i should keep to myself. which, i mean, it's the reality
log, i can't say something is ""too personal"" unless i genuinely feel
uncomfortable putting it out therer at all, but that's not what's happening
here. that goes back to being uncomfortable writing certain things here even if
i knew no one would read them. cuz it's tough for me to make a distinction
between this and public stuff. like, as much as i really respect people who are
unapologetically horny publicly, it couldn't be me, even if for no other reason
that i'm a cishet male and i don't want to make people uncomfortable, which i
mean, i'm willing to not be horny publicly because i acknowledge that a lot of
cishet males are creeps and generally that would give off a bad vibe, so like i
don't have a problem just not doing that, that's really not an issue lmao it's
the least i can do (and i can't really do follower-only fedi posts since i have,
one non-bot follower, and that would just be weird lol). where was i going with
this? idk, i don't know if it's internalized sex-negativity or if it's just
other stuff bleeding into this topic, probably the latter. but also i really
don't want the reality log to have a bunch of "i'm horny" entries in it lol, cuz
tbh it's kind of a given, at any point in time that can just be assumed, but
also it's not really what this is about? but it also is because it's my reality
but also it's different idk

in other entirely unrelated news, my motivation to work on the NEStris clone is
wearing off. there were a couple more things i wanted to do before publishing it
(namely redoing the UI and allowing configurable non-joypad inputs) but if i
don't find the motivation i'll just release it as is, since it's totally
playable at this point, there's really just minor things here and there that
need adjusting and some non-essential features have yet to be added. tbh the
main main reason i haven't published it yet is, well, two reasons, 1. no git
hosting that i'm entirely satisfied with, but that will probably be like that
for a while, and 2. more importantly, i generally don't really use git much at
all at the beginning stages of working on stuff like this, because i go all over
the place and i don't want to spend the time making the commits nice and having
it be a stream of commits where each commit is one change, like i can't do that
because i'll continuously modify multiple things at once cuz it's just wherever
i happen to stumble upon in the code, which is great for getting something up
and working rapidly but not good for git commit history, so i just... don't.
which like maybe i shouldn't care about this, especially at the point i'm at now
where i have what's basically a fully playable game with a couple unfinished
bits here and there, but i think there's some psychological block at this point
too maybe, a "you've already waited this long, might as well release a
"""finished product"""" which is dumb because i know damn well i'm never getting
to a point where i can confidently say it's "finished", there will always be
just one more little thing i can do, so it's just getting to a point where it's
"good enough".

also last entry still applies, still feel lonely and i want to cuddle with
someone