i am simultaneously excited/gitty and depressed. basically ive been working on
the NEStris clone for the past... holy fucking shit for the past 9 hours what
the actual fuck. i definitely took some breaks in the middle but what the fuck
ok. and it's at a state where like, i've almost perfectly replicated the timings
of NES tetris, and that's just so fucking cool. i have a TAS that i play on both
of them and it's able to get through like 90% of it, i think there's some weird
timing issue with one of the line clears but other than that it is 100%
functional and i could not be more excited about this. there's still a lot to do
since i want to add extra features and stuff to my clone, but the basics are
basically done. for my first time ever doing a videogame type thing (outside of
Scratch) and my first time using sdl2, i mean sure there's things that with the
benefit of hindsight i would've done differently but all things considered this
went pretty well. so yeah i've been super giddy and excited about that. but also
that stuff i talked about last entry. i can't shake it off. it's stressful and
looming over my head. i feel like anytime anything reminds me of college it just
stresses me out and i just have to sit and recollect for a bit. it's like, doing
what i want to do and doing it for very long periods of time and then stuff that
i need to / should keep on top of that i haven't and don't. it almost, ok this
is dumb and i was dumb for expecting any different, but it basically just feels
like high school with a slightly heavier workload. obviously more freedoms or
whatever and less structure, but... it's still doing pointless shit that i would
rather not do because i get nothing out of it. it's still being graded the same
fucking ways (this place specifically i applied early decision to because i
thought it would be different, and to an extent it is but deep down it's just
the same thing with minor changes, like no failing grades). so what the FUCK am
i even doing here. i've talked to a lot of people and the vast majority say
they're just here for getting a degree, they don't really care much about the
whole """learning""" part of it and would rather take easy classes if they can.
so i just don't know. i don't know. i don't think i made a *mistake*, but i
think that maybe this isn't the right path for me? or maybe it is and i just
suck at life in general? or maybe there is no right path? or maybe it'll work
out no matter what? you know what i have no fucking idea and that terrifies me