i've been thinking more and more about how i don't know if college is right for
me, or if i will succeed. a few things about this:

1. i know i've read in the past that your attitude towards things like this is a
self-fulfilling profecy (that's not how you spell that lol), so like i shouldn't
keep telling myself that i very likely will fail and all this, because that
makes it more likely that i will. but at the same time... that just seems
likely, given my current performance and who i am... i think it's just much more
probable that i fail than i miraculously get my shit together. and it sucks but
i can't lie to myself (well ok i will gladly lie to myself sometimes but this
time i can't), i'll see right through the bullshit if i tell myself "hey you'll
do just fine"
2. at my high school graduation one of the teachers gave a speech that basically
was "you are probably going to fail, but you have to trust the process". it was
honestly an incredible speech, and i loved it. so i think about that a lot and
try to think about whether i'm trusting the process. in this case, the process
is just life in general, not necessarily college. that is, if i drop out of
college, or if i don't, life will go on, somehow. i don't know what the fuck i
want to do with my life. i know that if i drop out of college i lock myself out
of a lot of opportunities. i also know that i'm locked out of a lot of
opportunities just because i want to... "live". a lot of the stuff i could do in
life is just working constantly and losing all sense of self and at that point
what's the point a tall? how is this different from dying? so i don't know. i
try not to think about it too much. i tell myself that's a while into the future
and i don't have to worry yet. but that's only true if this college thing works
out. if this doesn't... well i'll be "on my own" much sooner than expected, and
no matter what happens i'm not fucking prepared
3. i'm terrified of losing my financial aid and being in bad acedemic standing.
but i think it's very possible. my parents are already paying a lot of money for
me to be here and if i fuck up and don't get anything out of it... god idk. this
isn't to say if things aren't working i should push through because i've already
devoted time and stuff to it, but it is to say that no matter what i decide i
will feel like shit and be left aimless.
4. and then there's the social stuff. i'm not gonna stay here just because of
the social upsides, but... if i leave then i do lose that, and that's a lot to
lose. this is an opportunity i don't think i'll ever really get again.
otherwise, i'll have to actively seek out social engagement, and yeah i am
terrible at doing that, so maybe i would but realistically i just wouldn't and i
would hate myself for not doing so. kinda like i already hate myself lol.
5. it's a combination of not living up to my "potential", not being who i want
to be, who i'm expected to be, or how others are, and realizing that if i
continue down the path i'm on right now, my life is pretty much set for the next
four years, which is good because i have no fucking idea what to do otherwise.
in a perfect world i would just do programming and stuff for fun as my
livelihood. whether that be working on my own stuff or contributing to other
free projects, that would be a great way to live. but this won't happen. or, ok,
i guess not a 0% chance it will happen, but i really can't count on this
happening. so i feel lost

other unrelated thing: i am...very lonely on fediverse lmao. i have two
followers and one of them is a bot. and again i'm not chasing after getting a
high follower count or anything, but i do want to like, talk to people, and have
people see the stuff i post. actually i saw something where someone brought up
something i posted saying they saw it on their timeline, but they didn't
actually reply to the post or anything, and that, eh. whatever. maybe it doesn't
matter but also i like talking to people but i also don't like putting myself
out there for other people, and i can't have one without the other. i think also
the fact that i still don't have a pfp set and my bio prior to this morning was
just "a human i think" stopped people from looking much further, so i should
work on my presence. idk what i want for my pfp tho lol, i'll figure something
out. i want to enjoy fedi, but that doesn't really happen unless i'm able to
make friends and connections.