i feel out of place. like i don't really belong. which ok i know that's a
normal-ish thing to feel. but i feel like everything i do is just a bit... off,
compared to how i should be (yeah ig i'm comparing myself to an ideal). minor
quirks that i have i look at as deficiencies. dumb mistakes and things, which
everyone does sometimes, i see almost as failure on a personal level. basically
this is stupid but i posted something to fedi earlier today; it was an
appreciation post for drew devault. i knew that generally when people made long
posts they used a CW, so i figured i'd do that. it wasn't until after i posted
it that i realized, hm, my post really wasn't that long at all. like, there was
no need for the CW. and that's a minor thing, right. but then i was thinking,
wow, someone clicking on the show button expecting to see a big wall of text and
just seeing a regular-sized post, that's weird, and that makes me weird. it's
such a minor thing, and it doesn't matter. but that's where these thoughts
basically came from. well, i've had these thoughts for a while, but this is what
made me realize i'm having them. so yeah i wish i were more normal i guess.

which is funny, because last night i was thinking something that's pretty much
exactly contradictory to what i just wrote. that i think i'm too average. the
reasoning i used is that, if i were to wait all the dumb/dumb-ish people i know
and all the very smart people i know equally, then i would fall right in the
middle. this isn't to say i fall dead in the middle of the general population,
again i was weighting dumb and very smart equally, which i knew wasn't generally
representative. i'll give myself credit where it's due, i think i'm generally a
more rational thinker than most are, and i take pride in that. i'm also not
dumb, but i am kinda stupid a lot of the time. but i think the issue is that
again i don't really belong (hm i guess it isn't contradictory); i'm not dumb or
"""average""" in terms of the general population, and i'm not smart. i'm just
kinda there. and sure it's good to surround myself with people who are smarter
than i am, so i can learn and grow. this is good and i acknowledge this. but it
also feels a bit lonely, and also demoralizing (is that the right word to use
here?), when im consistently doing dumb things that others just... don't do. or
there's things that i don't know, and ok like i'm writing this out and it sucks
because i know that it's a GOOD thing whenever i do something dumb or i don't
know something and i learn new stuff. that's...what learning and growing is. and
i want that. i like that. but then there's another side of me that wishes that
sometimes i could be the one teaching others; that i wouldn't be left at the
bottom (or, the middle, depending on the context ig). this definitely didn't
make any sense but that's fine

fedi is fun but it's lonely and i'm not sure exactly the best way to, like, make
connections on it. ok, i know i shouldn't try to increase my follower count or
anything, that's obviously bad. *but*... when i post stuff i want people to
interact with it. i do want at least a small group of people to see the stuff i
post ig. and i think the issue is that i don't really interact with other posts
much either. but then that's something i have to do, and the thing is i don't
want to interact for the sake of interacting if i don't have anything meaningful
to say, but if i do have something meaningful to say, someone else has already
said it.

ok thats all bye