1. so something kind of interesting: i struggle with putting myself out there
when it comes to directly communicating with others, basically. i have a
tendency to just lurk and sieltly watch stuff going on online without really
pariticpating, even if i might have something to contribute. i think this is due
to fear of rejection, mostly. but i quite like posting stuff on the fediverse. i
think for a similar reason i like writing in the reality log. it's shouting into
the void, but people will still read it and respond and then interactions come
out of that. idk, so far i've been kind of liking it. maybe its just a phase for
me and i'll eventually grow tired of it, in fact that's pretty likely, but for
now i'm enjoying this. i do wish i was following more people and had more
connections on fedi though

2. something i realized a few days ago: i don't actually know anything about
myself, like at all. looking back, every time i felt any sort of emotion, i
always tried to be introspective and figure out why i was feeling the way i was.
and i was always able to find *an* answer. usually it was relatively
sophisticated too. because i was "smart" or whatever. oftentimes it was stuff
where i recognized that the emotions weren't in touch with reality, but still
*an* explanation. but i'm realizing... those weren't true at all. most of them i
just made up. after the fact, i came up with a suitable explanation that matched
up with my emotions and made sense, and then i tricked myself into believing
that's how it always was! and i never once questioned it! brains do this all the
time, that's kinda the entire job of the brain. cgp grey did a video on this, i
think it's called "you are two" or something, but the thing that stood out was
when one half of the brain was unaware of something that the other half of the
brain knew about, but instead of admitting it didn't know, it just *made
something up* and acted like that was the entire story, that just *was* the
explanation for what it was perceiving. fascinating stuff but also fuck i've
been doing that my entire life and it was only a few days ago that i realized
holy shit i know nothing about what i feel. i can say as many big words as i
want and sound as intelligent as i want but at the end of the day i don't know
myself. which is funny because i've been told often the exact opposite, that
obviously i know myself better than everyone else, and sure to an extent that's
true, since ig my this logic others don't know me either, and i don't think i'm
deluding myself to a dangerous point where i'm *unaware* of reality or actively
denying things, but idk i don't think there's much i can do here. it's honestly
kind of cool to think about. like this is just what the human brain is. this is
what we do. my entire life functions just like this and it's cool as fuck. and
sometimes the explanations i come up with for my emotions make me feel better
abuot myself and comfort me, so sometimes i might stick with them if they don't
hurt myself or anybody else. but knowing that i know nothing is good too.

3. i went from SUPER depressed and not motivated to do anything a few days ago
to super hyperfixated and motivated today. i spend *all* day working on a
NEStris clone. this was actually my first real SDL2 project and i'm pretty proud
of it so far. but it's just cool that i was so focused and excited about this,
that hasn't happened in a while. i know it won't last but i'm enjoying this
while i can.

4. ...idk if journaling helps me. it definitely doesn't hurt and i'm gonna keep
doing it, but... the whole journaling my emotions thing. idk if that actually
helps me feel better. venting definitely does. but journaling is very different
from venting to me, even if it's writing the same stuff, it feels different. i
think there's a few things i like: 1 is that sometimes i feel like i'm venting
when i'm journaling so that helps, and 2 is there's things i'm passionate about
or just want to talk about or say and i like writing stuff down and talking
abuot it. that makes me feel really good and i just really like talking tbh.
that's why fedi has been fun for me the past couple days. i expect fedi will
continue to be fun for a little bit because of that.

5. these feelings haven't been dominant, and overall i'd say i've been pretty
happy recently, but i've also felt very lonely recently. specifically cuz i'm
single lol. everytime i say this it sounds pathetic but idk. i know this is
unhealthy but whenever i see a happy couple i just get overwhelming feelings of
jealousy. like over break i was hanging out with some friends and one of them
had her gf with her as well, and they're such a cute couple and you can tell
they really love each other and just vibrate each others frequencies but also
FUCK i couldn't help but feel sad when seeing that. i want that, i don't have
that and i've never really had that. just having someone like that, and being
able to cuddle and shit, gah. like i feel bad because i want to be happy for
them and i can tell that they're happy with each other but all i feel is
jealousy and sadness. luckily it hasn't manifested into anything more, like i
don't feel anger or resentment or anything, just the big sad.