1. holy shit i think i might have bipolar ii disorder. this explains so much. and
maybe i'm wrong and i just fell into a rabbit hole and i'm taking things i
experience and making false assumptions/conclusions about things, like i don't
really feel comfortable saying anything definitely without a professional
diagnosis, at least not yet. BUT that being said-

apparently ~20% of people with adhd also experience some form of bipolar
disorder. and like there's a lot of things that i've been dealing with that
match up very closely with bipolar, specifically bipolar ii (i don't experience
psychosis or mania (only hypomania))

a. shifting states, from being super depressed and no motivation and can't do
anything at all to hey i feel downright okay and happy even, not like SUPER very
happy but like pretty good and i want to do things. this matches pretty much
exactly with what i've read about bipolar ii
b. no real explanation as to why i get super depressed when i do and why i feel
good when i do. i've attributed this in the past to sleep and meds. now these
absolutely probably play some role, probably sleep more than meds tbh. sure,
it's possible it was a coincidence that when i got my sleep schedule under
control i started feeling kind of better and when it went to shit again i
started feeling a little more shit, but no the sleep definitely played a role. i
still feel like the mood swings act on their own and the sleep will just shift
everything down or up, if that makes sense? but again maybe i'm just wrong. but
one thing i'm thinking about is that im not sure if im on the right meds for
this. basically we upped my dose relatively recently-ish, it's been like... 4
weeks? yeah something like that, which is about when i'd expect to see a
difference. and i *think* there's a difference? but like that's the thing i just
don't know, and like... sometimes i feel good and i'm like oh sick the medicine
is helping and making me feel better but maybe that's placebo, and then i
relapse again back to feeling like shit and that usually lasts longer than when
im hypomanic (i'm using that to describe myself even though i'm not sure if it's
entirely correct)
c. this just... feels relatable to me. this doesn't happen very often, like it
absolutely happened with adhd when i first discovered holy shit i'm not crazy.
but the stuff i've seen, like bipolar memes and shit... like i feel like i can
relate on a personal level. one particularly stood out, which was a whole bunch
of shit happens throughout the week, oftentimes i feel miserable, but then
there's the weekly therapy/counselling/whatever appointment, and i'm like...
yeah i feel fine i guess. nothign much to report. like i just can't really
remember anything that happened in the week and overall i come across like
things are fine and i have things under control. which they aren't and i don't.
but then how can they help me when i don't even know what happened? so yeah i
saw something about that and that kind of hit close to home, very cool

so i dont know where to go from here. tbh i think i found this like a week late,
since just less than a week ago i had my meds check-up and also break is ending.
so for now i probably won't change anything. i'll stick with the meds i have and
just get through this term. maybe then i can figure something out and go from
there after that. or i just fucking won't that might also happen

2. SPEAKING of how ive been recently... it's complicated. like it's very
complicated and i'm gonna try to summarize it here as a way to figure it out
myself: hung out with friends over the week. twas fun, but also the downside
were already outlined in my last entry, basically about how i was overthinking
everything and felt depressed constantly despite, well, despite nothing, i just
was. motivation to do things has been much lower than i wish it was. motivation
to do trivial things for hare is non-existant (i promised i was going to send
some patches and then i didn't and now i feel bad, + a few of my patches are now
probably no longer needed since people are working on the match overhaul now
which is good and like it's really not a big deal, i didn't spend a HUGE amount
of time on any of it and if it's fixed one way or another, cool, can't complain,
but also i think that demotivates me even more even if it shouldn't. but yeah
basically the issue is i have a couple patches that need minor fixes since
they're v2's and whatnot and i was thinking ok i'll fix those then i'll send
everything, but then i didn't fix them and i sent nothing. not that i OWE
anything but i did say i would do something and i didn't do that thing, + i've
made people aware i have patches for certain things so maybe i'm preventing them
from getting fixed quicker. yeah fun times). instead of working on code corner,
which is what i wanted to make lots of progress on, i started another new
project instead, and this one i know DAMN well that i will be scrapping this as
soon as i hit any roadblock but i can't help myself. at least i just started it
so i'm not sinking a huge amount of time into it i guess? god im such a fucking
wreck. SO to summarize, i've been bad with some good sprinkled in and some bad
sprinkled in the good and within that bad there's some quantum particles in
superpositions of good and bad (lmfao and i've been told my reality log is
relatable :p)