currently sleeping over at a friend's house. she's asleep and i cant fall asleep
and i wanted to journal. not sure how much i'll write, we'll see. basically
there's a few things i've noticed, and this all kinda plays off the themes i
wrote about in the last few entries about social stuff. that is that i overthink
things obviously, but also like, i dont think im capable of just enjoying a
social interaction or even reminiscing about it without getting self-conscious
or depressed for some reason. like in solitude im able to do stuff and talk to
myself without hating myself sometimes, but it pretty much always happens when
im around other people, which really fucking sucks, because... i really like
being around other people. one on one is better like i said, rn its just the two
of us and it was nice just because i feel like it's easier to talk about serious
stuff one-on-one and also to like, participate in conversation. specifically
this friend i'm really close with, like we tell each other a lot and i really
like having deep personal conversations about shit. that's just something you
can't get with groups of friends. not that groups of friends are bad or anything
but yeah. the one issue here is i always want to just let my heart out with
these conversations and just rant about everything on my mind. but the two
things there are 1. i don't remember everything on my mind so i inevitably miss
something and 2. it's still like, a conversation, where we both talk about stuff
we're going through, so i can't hog the entire thing obviously, so i can't just
bring stuff up, also when i forget stuff it's like ok i can't bring this up
anymore ig. not that i *can't*, sometimes i do, it all depends on context, but
there's always stuff that's missing. plus it's late at night and she was tired
and wanted to sleep (since we weren't really talking at that point) so yeah. now
im here writing stuff here. and don't get me wrong i like journaling here, i
think it helps me process and understand my emotions while also getting them out
there and coping, but... it's just not the same as venting to a friend or
talking about stuff to a friend. which i do sometimes, but like it's not the
same and idk what my point is, but i wish i could hang out with friends without
feeling terrible about myself and also i like the deep personal conversations
and wish those happened more often. im wondering to myself, like, am i glad i
stayed over here tonight? on one hand yes absolutely, it was fun and we did have
a lot of fun and probably will do some stuff tomorrow a little bit too. i enjoy
hanging out with her and it's nice. but also i probably wouldn't feel super
depressed rn if i just stayed home? not that this is her fault by any means,
it's just something fucked up with me, add that to the pile lol (not blaming
myself either to be clear). i'd probably get some other stuff done, like sending
in some patches and doing some coding cuz im starting to get a bit of motivation
to work on other open source projects and submit patches (+ i want to contribute
more to aports but the mailing list is down and it seems like it won't be back
up anytime soon and i am now realizing i have no idea how to do an MR-based
workflow lmfao, like i've never done this and i just don't know how, so i'll
have to learn that i guess). so yeah im happy i was here, but also i wish i
could just enjoy myself without constantly judging myself.

what's motivating me rn?: can't sleep, knew i wouldn't be able to fall asleep
quickly, decided that my sleep schedule is already fucked and i'm not re-fucking
it i'm just keeping it fucked so whatever (ig the justification i just made up
here rn, realistically i wasn't thinking of any justification), for some reason
liked the idea of writing this at someone else's house late at night so that's
what im doing