hello hi so i just woke up and im feeling mildly sad so i think i'll just write
something quickly. tbh there's other things to write here as well but i just
dont really want to rn. so i am home for break, thats cool. (unrelated but i
just thought of this, i havent checked my school email since getting home, i
hope im not missing anything but like maybe i am? idk) and today (yesterday) i
hung out with some friends and a friend's gf, and like yeah the day was fun and
i enjoyed it and i'd do it again, but like... i feel like i have social anxiety
that ruins my enjoyment of stuff like this. well ok social anxiety probably isnt
right, i mean sure ig i have a bit of social anxiety but i don't think that's
the best way to describe this. but basically i'm always thinking of how people
perceive me and i have this constant feeling of not belonging, most of the time
it's irrational but sometimes i'll think of things and think to myself "damn
thats a good point", so basically my entire social life is pretending to not be
going through this everytime im in a social situation, which i think i've gotten
pretty good at but maybe that's not healthy. in addition to this later in the
day one of them left so then it was just three of us, me and the couple, and
like, FUCK i third-wheeled so hard lmao, i feel like it wasn't awkward for
anyone else but it felt super awkward to me. added to the feeling of not
belonging, when the two of them are just mildly flirting with each other and i'm
just, like, there. also, like, ok i will say this: i've felt recently that i've
been content being single for now, if that makes sense. not that i don't want a
relationship, but for a while i was getting really depressed because i really
craved that kind of thing, and i'm at the point now where if the opportunity
comes up i'll take it but otherwise i don't really care that much, like i'm busy
with other stuff and it's whatever. but seeing them together all happy just kind
of flipped a switch in my head and it made me sad again. maybe i'm just touch
starved and want to cuddle, and want to love and be loved, idk but it was sad
and mind you as i was feeling this i had to pretend that i wasn't feeling this
(i would say hiding emotions but that gives off negative conotations and i think
in this context it's justified cuz that would just make everything a lot more
awkward for everyone lol). so yeah that was fun. hanging out with groups of
friends is fun i guess but i vastly prefer hanging out with just one person. it
takes away a lot of the awkwardness and... jealousy? is that right? i don't like
using that word because it makes me feel like i'm doing something wrong but ig
that's kind of what it is, and also its awkward when everyone else is in a
conversation and it's one i'm not super invested in and it's just awkward to *be
there*, but also it's awkward to barge in and contribute so idk im rambling that
seems to be a theme with these entries wow it's almost as if that's the entire
point of me doing this that's crazy. i have no way to end this, tbh it wasn't
even that bad it was pretty fun, it's just periodic spurts of jealousy and
loneliness and a feeling of not-belonging and doubting my self-worth and other
cool fun things like that, tune in next time for more fun and exciting emotions