1. today was a non-zero day. i did the homework i needed to do and i cleaned the
empty chip bags and shit off my desk, and emptied by trash. thats a W.

2. ive been questioning whether i belong here in college. specifically like, am
i actually learning and getting enough out of this for it to be worth the
investment? i started a small document about that and basically the gist of it
is that its a mix of three things: 1. classes where i learn literally nothing,
get nothing out of them, if anything its just a nuisance, 2. classes that arent
stuff im like, *super* interested in, but that i still get stuff out of and am
satisfied with, and 3. classes for subjects i'm genuinely interested in, but
where i still get not much out of them beceause of shitty profs. so like... idk,
ig im getting stuff out of this? but not as much as i wouldve hoped. lemme
copy-paste something here actually:

verdict: i'm not larning as much as i would've hoped. in retrospect, it was
naive of me to believe that i would be learning a huge amount of new stuff that
i was very interested in, while simultaneously not being drowned out by work. in
reality, there's a lot i'm doing which i'm not *super* interested in, but i am
still glad i learned, some stuff i'm going to have to do which i have no
interest in, and some stuff that i get nothing out of, all while working on this
stuff instead of working on things i genuinely enjoy. my focus has shifted from
learning as much interesting stuff as i can to getting a degree in a way that
doesn't drive me insane. this is a bad thing, but i see no alternative.
likewise, i don't view dropping out as a viable option, since a degree is a very
useful thing to have, and choosing to pass up on this would be incredibly risky
and would likely not pay off. furthermore, i'd miss out on the social
opportunities on campus, although admittedly i don't hold this in as high
regard, since i'm not paying for social opportunities, i'm paying for acedemic
opportunities, and social opportunities exist elsewhere if they are seeked out
(albeit they are different from what can be found on a college campus)

3. on the topic of documents and shit i made, uhh i kinda have been going
through a minor crisis as i realize that humanity is actually terrible. not that
i didnt already know this, but the socpe of it is dawning upon me. there really
wasnt any specific thing that led me to this, just thought about it at one point
and it spiraled. some general notes i wrote (these are supposed to be sections
of like, an essay or whatever, but they turned into just disorganized notes):

war and death
war is normalized
death is sometimes okay
pain and suffering
greed (mostly capitalism)
greed is normalized
the good, or, what humanity could have been
normalized societal expectations
but it's all necessary, or, copes
powerlessness
progressing backwards
progression during times of conflict

and blablabla, nothing else was written because i really dont want to sit down
and write about this shit, its depressing and the only time i would ever really
write about this would probably be in a suicide note tbh, which i hope would
never happen. the entire thing is in my head currently and i think itll stay
that way, but its just depressing and i really cant counteract this with the
good, or shared human virtues or feels-good things because the bad just
overpowers it. and theres barely anything i can do, besides small things that ig
make certain things better and still leave a positive impact but in the grand
scheme of things make no difference. ive been saying this as if ive been drowned
out thinking of this but tbh its really all just been passing thoughts in my
head, hasnt really affected by day-to-day life, which i think is a good thing? i
dont know, its a thing

4. i think ive been a bystander to bullying recently. basically i dont want to
write a long-ass backstory but the gist is person in our house no one really
liked, roommate issues between him and his roommate led to him leaving and
moving to a different residence hall, we were all relieved but he thought we
were friends with him and sad to see him go. basically hes... very fucking
stupid, and aloso socially inept. and like he's said some problematic things in
the past ig, again hes stupid, but no one has really confronted him and said
hey thats bad so he's always been under the impression that he was on good terms
with everyone. and i already felt kinda bad about this, i mean like again i was
relieved to see him go but i also thought that we are all manipulating him
because he was too dumb to notice. but i didnt say anything. also another key
thing here is we used codenames about him and his roommate when talking about it
so he wouldnt know, his roommate was called tom and he was jerry. anyways fast
forward a bit, he comes back to hang out because again he thinks we're still
friends and we dont want to not see him again, he hangs out for a bit and its
kinda awkward but whatever, he leaves. but then when he leaves and we're all
like thank god he left (tbh i think everyone blows out of proportion how much
they hate him, in an effort to fit in. he's mildly annoying, sure, but like,
he's really not terrible and people blow it out of proportion), everyone starts
talking about making up a new roommate for his ex-roommate and telling him he's
named "jerry" just to fuck with him. basically, just manipulating him and
fucking with him because they think it's funny. i was uncomfortable with this,
but i said nothing. today, he comes again, but as soon as we see him coming we
all run out of the common room and pretend we're not here. one of us goes to the
door to greet him and say "you're not welcome, stop coming, we don't want you
here". nothing else. and he leaves. and everyone treats him like a hero. someone
pointed out they wish there was more drama and they're disappointed they didnt
get to play out the jerry arch. people are thinking of more ways to fuck with
him. i feel really bad about this... he didn't deserve that. and some people say
he's said some things which are inexcusable (like asking if his roommate was in
therapy because "that would explain some things", which like yeah thats
absolutely a fucked up thing to bring up and is inexcusable), but no one
confronted him or said its not ok, so he still doesnt know. he's just oblivious.
and they use that like its justification for treating him like shit when he
doesnt even realize, and like, its not. this whole thing has also made me think
about how im perceived. i already know im not seen as super annoying, and people
enjoy having me around i think, but still, like, what am i oblivious to? what
are people saying about me behind my back? back to the big thing here, basically
this is borderline bullying and i just sit back and listen to it all happen and
watch it all unfold. i havent said anything, i think a lot of the reason is
worry about how i'd be perceived if i stepped in and said something. like id be
the only one going against this. i mean im already basically the only one not
actively encouraging this behavior, which like, idk i think that says something
and that makes me sad, but yeah. that's the gist of things, theres probably
small details i missed but idc shits fucked and i dont really know what to do?
like how or when to bring it up? i dont want to say something out of nowhere but
its hard to barge in when theyre doing it, but writing that out yeah thats
exactly what i need to do, like that is definitively the correct thing to do
here. will i? god i fucking hope so

5. talked to a counseller earlier this week. one thing she recommended was
occasionally taking breaks and thinking about what is motivating me *right now*.
dont think about the past or future, just what is your motivation for whatever
you're doing *right now*. stress? anger? a deadline? grades? something is just
fun? happiness? desire to fit in? blablabla. and idk i really like that advice,
and ive been trying to do it as an introspective thing, just to think about what
am i really doing, so i can stop lying to myself while also understanding myself
better. right now, im motivated by a few things: 1. i haven't journaled here in
a while and as much as i say the reality log isnt a comprehensive thing or
something to even be read back in a coherant way, large gaps where i write
nothing make me uncomfortable. 2. i'm in a writing mood. 3. i was thinking some
things, like the bullying thing and the humanity sucks thing, and wanted to get
it out there, cuz i didnt really know who else to tell. 4. ig to at least some
extent, procrastination on things i should be doing, like a philosophy paper
that's... oh FUCK thats due tomorrow fuck fuck fuck i forgot about that until
now ok thats fine i have time tomorrow to work on that it shouldnt be awful
unless it will be, fuck ok thats fine. but yeah procrastination lmao. 5. i still
like the idea of people reading these. i think the large gaps in writing have
basically guaranteed that this isn't going to be read anytime soon, like maybe
at some point it will be? but tbh i dont know, maybe it just wont be. i want to
say i dont care but i kinda like it when people read these and contact me about
stuff in them lmao, its weird af and i already said this in a previous entry a
while back but yeah. hm come to think of it i repeat myself a lot on these
entries huh. like not here specifically, but just in general.

6. i'm excited for thanksgiving break because i need a break, i feel like last
week specifically was VERY long, despite not having a HUGE amount i needed to do
it just felt long. which is weird because we had a wellness day that monday, so
it was a 4-day week. we had monday off. but it felt longer than other weeks.
weird, idk, this week doesnt feel as long, which is also weird because i have a
pretty similar if not larger workload this week.

7. i went to a thing last tuesday called RIO which i think stands for
recognition, insight, openness. its about the human brain basically, coping with
emotions and shit, by understand how our brains work and taking advantage of
that to not have negative thought spirals, be more grounded in reality, and do
things that need to be done. the idea is its an hour a week for 3 weeks, and...
i dont think im gonna go back lmao, it was so boring. ik it was only the first
week but i got nothing out of it, it was awkward and boring, i learned nothing,
and the way the speaker spoke got on my nerves, like she repeated shit and all
that. actually thinking about it now... she spoke in the exact same way i speak.
which is why it got on my nerves. well, not specifically because she spoke like
me, but because i find it annoying when others delve into too much detail about
things, but i also have a tendency to do exactly that. same deal with seeing
long blocks of text and being like yeah no im not reading that shit, while then
only being capable of writing in large disorganized blocks of text. thats funny
i think

8. i think this might be my longest entry yet lmao, there was a lot i was
holding in and a lot to talk about, and somehow i didnt forget it, which is,
unusual, but im not complaining.

9. last bullet point i think/hope, i wish i was more active on IRC and other
online social communities. theres a lot of times i want to chip in but i just
dont. shyness is a bitch ig.

10. ok one more bullet point lol this will be the last one: i need both the
motivation and the free time to submit patches to other projects. most of my
motivation has been devoted to making something called Code Corner, which tbh i
mainly started just cuz the name was really cool and i couldn't pass up on that.
its a software development forge, and theres a lot more to say but i already
wrote a README and i dont want to write it all again. actually wait ill just
copy-paste it:

Code Corner is a self-hostable software development forge, with a web interface
for Git repos, mailing lists, and tickets.

Unlike other software development forges, such as [Sourcehut][1] and
[Codeberg][2], Code Corner is *very* simple. There is no account system (by
design); those who want to use Code Corner should host it themselves. Though
other forges scale very well for lots of users and projects, they are more
difficult to host, and use more resources than should be necessary for a
single-user setup. Code Corner doesn't scale well because it doesn't need to --
if you want a multi-user large-scale software development forge, then Code
Corner is not for you. If you make projects yourself (or with
friends/colleagues) that you'd maybe like to allow others to contribute to via
email, and you own a server capable of serving small web apps on the public
internet, then Code Corner may be for you. Code Corner doesn't compete with
other software development forges, but rather complements them as another option
for those who are best suited by it.

Code Corner is built on [redbean][3]: a single-file web server scripted with
Lua. In fact, all projects you host (including the Git repos, mailing lists, and
tickets) are stored within the executable file. This means that your entire Code
Corner is stored within a single file, so moving it around or migrating it is as
easy as moving one file. Don't make the mistake of believing that this makes the
contents static though -- your Code Corner can be modified in real time, even as
it is running, without disrupting service.

[1]: https://sourcehut.org/
[2]: https://codeberg.org/
[2]: https://redbean.dev/

To get started, check out the docs:

- [Installation](docs/installation.md)
- [Your first project](docs/first.md)
- [User workflow](docs/user.md)
- [Fully anticipated questions](docs/faq.md)
- [Community](docs/community.md)
- [Reporting bugs](docs/bugs.md)
- [More documentation](docs/index.md)

^^ and that's it, honestly it's progressing very well, im very satisfied with
it. one thing is that theres no third-party dependencies outside of redbean
itself so like, that means im implementing the git library, zlib decompression,
and a markdown parser all from scratch. which is very fun and also i just like
the idea of having a project like this, also with cohesive documentation (i was
inspired by sourcehut here, looking at its wiki and realizing damn it's very
rare for software to be documented so well yet so simply and concisely). anyways
back to the point, most of my attention has gone here, which is great! im happy
about this. but also, i have some outstanding patches to submit to other
projects, and things i need to revise, like some hare/harec patches and a patch
to git.sr.ht adding editorconfig support which ended up having an oversight. i
want to look at this and fix it and resubmit them, but i havent gotten around to
it. ill do it eventually hopefully, maybe i just need another 3 month hiatus
like i did with hare that last time lol. i didnt enjoy doing that but idk we'll
see what happens. on another note at some point once my motivation for code
corner dies down i want to work more on RASM, and get that to a state where i
can publish it. rasm being the x86 assembler written in hare, where im using
x86-man-pages to generate the JSON it uses and all that. that is also something
i want to complete, and maybe i will at some point.

ok thats all, bye, and like if you're reading all of this thanks for getting
through all of it, it weirdly means a lot and yeah thanks <3