i am so stressed out rn. forgot about a hw assignment and a quiz yesterday. tbh
i feel more and more fucked as college goes on. i cant keep up with this shit,
and like this isnt even a super large workload or anything, its actually pretty
tame, which terrifies me because i think things are going to get worse and im
not fucking ready for that. even including a class im taking which is easy as
hell and i know everything, i half assed an assignment and turned in something
that was incomplete because i couldnt get myself to do the whole thing. i know
damn well im capable of it, and if i just put in the effort, ok i need to stop
saying "just put in the effort" because clearly doing that is fucking difficult
and i think im doing my best but maybe im not, so much of the battle happens
inside my brain that i cant tell whether im putting in effort or just pretending
to. i dont think theres even a difference between the two.

im thinking about the last entry i did (or one of the last entries) where i said
i had hw due but i didnt want to do it so i just didnt. looking back, i
definitely was lying to myself, like i do often. in that i knew damn well i
wasnt going to do that assignment. but i phrased it like i was contemplating it,
like hmmm maybe i will do it, but maybe if i have sufficient reason not to i
wont. thats bullshit. i knew i wasnt going to do it, i had zero plans to
complete it. but i phrased it the way i did to act like i was making an informed
decision and to take away responsibility from myself kinda. i do this a lot. and
sometimes i realize im doing it and do it anyways, other times i dont realize im
doing it. this time i didnt. not that it wouldve made a difference, but i just
want to be normal.