alright ive been thinking about this today, i need to stop beating around the
bush. i need help. and nothing in my life is going to improve until i actively
seek it out. i can try to ignore shit all i fucking want, but until i get off my
ass and do something to better my life, absolutely nothing will change. it will
be an uphill battle, it will suck and i will probably hate myself, but hey what
else is new lol. here's the thing: a few days ago i ran out of the medicine i
take. now... im not sure how much of an effect it actually has. tbh im doubtful
it has that much of an effect on me. but i feel like it probably does
*something*. basically, my task at the beginning of the school year, or actually
even before then, my task as soon as i arrived on campus was to call the health
center and set up an appointment so i could get my meds managed there. i did not
do this. and my mom continued to remind me about it cuz she knew i would need
some nagging to get it done... and i didn't do it. and i lied to her saying i
did. i dont know why, i dont know the motivation for half the things i do, but i
did, and then proceeded to stress out about the fact that i cant manage my meds
and i'm going to run out. instea of... fixing the problem right then and there
by calling them and getting it set up. so then i ran out. now im out. i tried to
tell myself it didnt actually matter because the meds didnt do anything for me.
thats one reason i didnt write about it here until now... i just forcefully
removed it from my head, like i do with almost all stressors in life. bury them
deep and don't acknowledge them until they become insurmountable. i dont think
this is insurmountable yet, but im on a bad fucking path, and things *will* get
worse. im trying to come to terms with this. to come to terms with the fact that
YES, i fucked up, like i fucked up pretty bad and im actively harming myself in
the process. its not too late to do something, but i NEED to do something, like,
soon. like, very soon. as in, tomorrow (technically today). i will do it today.
normally i try not to say things like that because then if i dont do it then i
just beat myself up about it more but... this is very important and i absolutely
need to get my life under control. the meds are just one thing, its an important
thing, but its a symptom of a greater problem. that problem being that im a
wreck and doing absolutely nothing about it. i think i said in an earlier entry
that im a bystander to my own life. that i actively witness and acknowledge my
life falling apart while simultaneously doing absolutely nothing about it, or,
sometimes accidentally making things worse, like i did here. this ends now. im
not accepting my role as a bystander in my life. im not going to bury my
stressors where i cant think about them while my life goes to shit, as i pretend
that actually everything is totally fine. im not going to just let myself fail
classes and proclaim "yeah that's that, whatever" when i know damn well that if
i actually put effort in i absolutely did not have to fail that. i very much
could have passed if i didn't give up halfway through for no discernable reason.
gotta set up a plan here. this plan involves acknowledging to myself that i
fucked up, and acknowledging to *others* that i fucked up, so i can be held
accountable to get my shit together. because i didnt say anything earlier
because i lied to myself repeatedly about things, telling myself that everything
is completely fine actually, so when others ask how things are, of course im
just gonna say yeah things are fine, not because im lying to them, but because
im gaslighting myself, fucking constantly. like, looking back, every not bad day
ive had in recent memory has been plagued by stresses that ive just neatly
tucked away, thinking hey if im not actively worrying about them then who cares
whatever. and sure, continuously being stressed out is unhealthy, and i think to
a lot of people finding ways to not be stressed out all the time is a good
thing. but for me... for me im so used to just not thinking about imminent bad
things because its easier to shove them to the side and carry on with life,
knowing yeah this will come back to bite me but i dont care enough to do
anything about it, then surprise surprise it comes back to bite me. all of this
is to say that i am not okay, and i need to stop pretending that i am. stop
gaslighting myself into viewing my life with rose-colored glasses, because im
only making things worse. the first step is getting meds under control somehow.
then, tbh, finding ADHD meds that actually work for me so i can take them when i
need to focus on something or get something done, whether that something is just
a task i have to do for something else or a task that involves preventing my
life from going to shit. maybe talk to friends about it too, honestly. i feel
like talking to friends about it is the easy part, and it's not even easy, its
just everything else is harder, but i WILL do it. when i wake up like i need to
prioritize this, first thing, not doing jack shit until i get this under
control. gotta take back control of my own fucking life. on a mildly unrelated
note, i need to be more assertive, or actually thats not the right word. i need
to be less shy and reserved and express myself more. be more outgoing without
worrying how im perceived, because im fucking myself over by being reserved. not
that being reserved is inherently a bad trait, but for me i think its fucking
me. like, hey i actually have a group on IRC that im now a part of, maybe i
should, like, communicate there, talk to people. i always overthink every single
message i send (or decide to just not send), worried about rejection or how
people will feel about me, and its bad. i dont think theres an easy solution
here i can step up and do to fix this, tho obviously getting the rest of my life
under control will definitely help. but i think its just baby steps here, maybe
telling myself more often, hey, just do it, you'll be fine. finally
unrelated-ish-ish but i think im suppressing myself from feeling emotions rn out
of fear that i will have to acknowledge that actually the medicine i took really
did have an effect and abruptly stopping it without telling anyone is like, very
bad for me. but thats exactly whats happening. and now im here, so like im gonna
bawl my eyes out if i need to because the alternative is suppressing things more
and suppressing feelings is how i got into this mess in the first place. i may
wish i was normal and could handle this shit effortlessly like others can, but i
cant, and im fucking done with sitting around and just accepting that that's my
life. im fucking done and things are going to fucking change.