i feel like a passive observer to my own life. like, things are crumbling and
falling apart, i recognize exactly whats happening, but i do nothing to stop it,
i have no motivation to do anything to stop it. i sometimes think that i need to
get my shit together, that everything is falling apart and i need to fix things,
but then i dont. i feel helpless while not being helpless, and idk how to
describe it. like, i was so excited for college, thinking damn i can get an
actual education im interested in! im excited to learn and participate in
college stuff and all that. and now im just... not doing that. i dont think im
gone to a single class since last thursday. thats a full week of just not
showing up to class. and fucking why? cuz im tired basically. which is fucked.
all of this is fucked. i need to be more proactive. take responsibility for my
own fucking life and get my shit together, get shit done. but i know damn well
that i wont. maybe thats a defeatist attitude but ive been bitten too much by
thinking that this will be the time i fix things. im not strong enough to do the
bare minimum to take care of myself, and now i just sit here and complain and
whine about something i have full control over, and i want it to get better and
i want to fix it and do something why the fuck am i not doing anything. why the
fuck am i not doing anything. no one questions whats going on or looks out for
me because on the outside im doing just fine. like i come across like i have my
shit together, when that couldnt be further from the truth. i feel like life is
catching up to me faster than i can handle and i know its never too late to
""restart"" life if that makes sense, but i dont want to live in misery until my
40s, hell if that ends up being the case i probably wont even make it that long
(i guess i can take comfort in the fact that if i cant get my shit together in
my life right now i probably wont be able to kill myself no matter how much i
want to, so i think thats good? i dont even know anymore both options suck). idk
how to describe it, like its like a force stopping me from doing stuff but thats
not even it cuz i just dont do stuff. and its not that i dont want to or i dont
try, all the trying happens in my head mentally and i sound crazy even to myself
talking and complaining about this because it sounds like im justifying the fact
that im not doing anything to better life for myself and thats probably exactly
what im doing. maybe everyone was right, maybe i am just lazy. i dont know the
difference anymore.