today i had what i think was a panic attack. i was just overwhelmed with the
prospect of all the shit i had to do. and the fact that im doing shittily in my
classes because im not getting some of the work done and all that, and its like,
fuck, i dont know if im cut out for this. and by "this" i mean both college and
life in general. this was the first time in a while that i seriously thought
about suicide. not genuinely considered it as something that i should do at any
point soon, but like, thought about it and was thinking about how damn i could
do that in a few years and use it to make a statement, send a message, maybe get
things to change so others dont have to suffer in the same way i do. like i
genuinely thought about it and even the logistics. and like realistically id
pussy out, i probably wouldnt, but like... i dont know. i know this is bad but
its how i felt and honestly still kinda feel. i tried doing the tetris playing
thing to calm myself down and it didnt really work. i feel like that only works
if im just in a "bored" yet still calm state, not a stressed out and depressed
state.