1. i know i should write these more often but like idk its weird, i think all
the time about the stuff i would write in these. it's like i do actually write
these daily, just in my head and i immediately forget everything. but then i
dont actually write it for some reason. i also think i only actually write when
im feeling strong emotions usually sadness. like right now lmao
2. i am lonely and i feel like i experience more loneliness than most people do,
thats why im sad rn. not much else to say there
3. state of the world is fucked and i feel powerless and sad about it
4. i have conflicting feelings about college, it always changes and it depends
on the certain thing, like socials, acedamia (and the subcategories of that),
etc. i dont want to write all of that shit
5. the reason traditional therapy hasnt been very good for me in the past is
because i just, like, dont know what to do there or what to talk about or
anything. like so much shit happens and so much goes on in my head, but when i
go for therapy its like, idk, it all blends together and the general gist is
"life is normal" and things are just, whatever. maybe ill remember one or two
things, but its as if those are the important big things when they really arent.
and the important big things are big and abstract and i cant explain them
coherantly to get help with them. so i just dont get any help. do other people
have like, normal consistent therapy sessions with specific topics and all that?
i dont understand it but i wish i could do that, that seems to be a theme, i
wish i was someone else and like, not me
6. someone read this please, and tell me you read it, even if you dont
understand
7. i dont know what im complaining about cuz i have it kinda well, but i feel
empty and unfulfilled no matter what i think. or im just a downer rn cuz im not
like this all the time, i sometimes feel totally content with everything but
then i dont write about it, and maybe thats a bad thing, like maybe i should try
to write about more happy things to change my mindset. i was gonna say make a
habit out of it but theres no chance i can do that so ill just take it one day
at a time, thats the most i can do without burning out from nothing, which im
already doing with everything else. like im burned out from doing homework that
i didnt even complete. i have zeros on shit i shouldnt have zeros on because i
am me and i hate it and frankly i hate myself, but like, ok, theres two
interpretations of "i hate myself", and when i say i hate myself its not the
common one. like i feel like i might like to be friends with myself, im sure im
a good person and all that, but i dont want to be myself and i hate the way i am
because i experience it everyday. im in a weird limbo area where im not suicidal
or even """depressed""" (except i am lol, idk how to explain it) but im also not
"""happy""" (except i sometimes am)
8. random idea, but i like this format of unconnected bullet points or whatever,
and i think that warrants a format change entirely, where instead of having a
"""daily""" (yeah right lol) big thing, i just occassionally do small entries in
the reality log, and like i could do multiple a day, and every separate thought
is a separate entry. i totally could do that, tbh i think after this entry ill
do that. this will be the last entry for a bit like this (maybe ill revert if it
doesnt work out lol, which like as i think about it it might not work out)
9. and wait then i could implement a "random" button for a random thought, that
would be cool, like bill wurtz questions page
10. btw ive been working on coding an assembler lol, hopefully it gets to a
state where i can publish it at some point (as well as x86-man-pages, which this
depends on for the opcodes.json generation)
11. people make fun of attention seekers but i kinda get it, cuz damn i could
use some attention rn but im yelling into a void cuz no one knows this page
fucking exists
12. same with making fun of cryptic shit, but like, the phrase "wasted
opportunities" is resonating with me rn but i couldnt elaborate on it if i
tried. cryptic as fuck but like damn idk
13. ok bye, and like sorry for being me (oftentimes i feel like i need to
apologize for existing, cuz if i hate being me i subconsiously feel like others
feel that way about me and idk maybe some people do sometimes but i shouldnt
apologize but weirdly i feel more comfortable after apologizing. like people say
dont apologize but i weirdly... like apologizing? yeah, i enjoy it. i also enjoy
the "its ok" cuz like god idk im weird sorry (lol))