fuck its been a little bit, just haven't gotten the time or energy to write one
of these entries until now. it's actually the middle of the day, but fuck it i
make the rules so here we go:
1. i realized that "being busy" probably means a different thing to me than it
does to most other people. i can be busy and unavailable, but not because i'm
doing something or i'm preoccupied, but because i don't want to, and like, the
two things are just the same to me. there is no distinction, which im realizing
isn't actually normal
2. a thing happened a couple days ago. basically, i wanted to call and talk with
my friend, and she hadnt been contacting me or anything so of course my
overthinking brain starts thinking about all the reasons why actually she just
doesnt want to talk to you, you are annoying and being weird, and the friendship
will die out. like i was gonna text her like hey u available to talk but istg it
took me like 20 minutes to send that text because i was overthinking how it
would come across and sound, like i'd be weird or stupid and of course then
there's the thoughts about how i don't deserve happiness blablabla. then i told
myself ok, if you dont send it, friendship dies out, if you do send it, either
you talk, or friendship dies out, there is no fucking downside. but yet the fear
of rejection is so strong that i'd almost rather it die out from me doing
nothing than from my actions, even if the result would be the same either way.
3. i have so many mood swings, whether or not i'm good or not at any given
moment is effectively a coin flip. there is no predictor, and it changes
rapidly. i dont want life to be this way but i dont know how to solve it
4. i think the reason i've been so afraid of becoming an adult and growing up
and all that is that i feel like i dont fit in with anyone else who is grown up
/ growing up. everyone else acts like they know what they're doing, they're
doing what they're supposed to do, they're socializing and acting "normal", and
i'm not. it's because i feel like an outsider, and that's why i dont like it and
didnt want it. like even now, im content with life rn for the most part but i
still feel like an outsider, even tho i have some friends (no close friends here
at college but whatever) i feel like i dont belong, and that's what scares me.
i'm shy as fuck and also awkward and weird as fuck and i dont want to be that
way. some people here are already fucking dating, like how does that happen so
quickly. i wish i could somehow do that
5. i don't want to be me. not that i dislike me, but if i had the opportunity
to, like, become someone else, i would do it. i'm sure other people like me for
who i am and wouldn't want me to change, but i do want me to change, and i would
change me if there was an instant magic way to do so. that ties in to a thought
i've had about like, if i could press a button to get rid of my ADHD, would i do
it, and i've always said yes in a heartbeat holy shit i will spam press it. so,
is ADHD a part of who *i* am? before i've basically came to the conclusion that
no, it's not, in the same way that, say, depression isn't a part of who someone
*is*. depression is an illness, and sure we as a society can help people out by
being more accepting and welcoming of this, but at the end of the day that's not
enough, because depression on its own sucks and i'd imagine that most people
with depression probably wish they didn't have it, and if they could press a
button to get rid of it they would. but... i think maybe ADHD just *is* a part
of who i am. so much of my life is influenced by it, so much of my personality
and what i'm into and what i like and how i act and all of that... but i'd still
get rid of it. i just don't like who i am, and i wish i was someone else.
6. many of my insecurities are things that i have the ability to get under
control and change quite easily, but i just dont, i just remain insecure about
them. which is... weird, and fucking stupid. like i'm insecure about my messy
facial hair which i dont frequently shave. the solution to this is... to shave
it. there is no downside here, there is no tradeoff. and this would instantly
solve the problem, no questions asked. but i continue to not do it. i cant even
justify it to myself because i dont understand why i work like this, and i feel
like im just complaining about shit i have complete agency over and i choose to
do nothing which means my complaints are moot, but i still do nothing and just
complain and hate it and why. why am i like that, why do i do that. life would
be infinitely easier if i just didn't. i feel like i do have some degree of
actual agency here and i'm just not using it. or maybe i dont. but i most likely
do and i just dont care enough. like obviously to a degree tasks like this are
harder for me than for neurotypicals but that's not the full story here i feel
like. fuck
7. a few days ago, i stumbled across an old project i worked on called
x86-man-pages and just never published. it's a python script which converts
intel x86 pdf manuals into man pages for convenience, and it's very fucking
convenient. but also, like, how did i write that? it's just a long python script
that works and just... does it, and i recall writing it in like a day. i feel
like nowadays i wouldn't be able to do that, and that sucks cu i wish i could, i
love coding i truly do, but i'm just not as good at it as i used to be. i'm
slower and more easily distracted and i accomplish less of my projects, and i
already used to almost never finish projects and now it's even worse. i have
less motivation now which leaves me feeling depressed and empty cuz i have
motivation to do **something** but nothing to use it on and its just boredom but
it feels physically painful, so i end up just doing unproductive things which is
both bad and also it *feels* bad cuz the whole time i feel like man i wish i
could be doing something productive, like i *want* to be doing something
productive.
8. i like this style of note taking honestly, with the numbered list of
thoughts. i might keep doing this in the future, we'll see i guess