ok a few things, so 1. i'm getting stressed out about the prospect of like shit
im gonna need to get a job at some point, and like internships and all that,
getting a resume and making myself known to employers, yup this is gonna be the
rest of my life. kinda coming to terms with that. i dont want to do this but i
literally don't have a choice here, my self-worth is determined by my value in
the workforce. 2. i both like writing my thoughts here because it works as a
good alternative to bombarding friends with rambles and shit and me venting, cuz
they dont need that, and this lets me vent and ramble without dragging others
into it. dont get me wrong i dont think im like a huge burden when i every so
often vent to one of my friends, but when i do it enough it just becomes one
sided and i feel terrible about it, like if they were venting as often to me
then it would be fine but no one else vents like i do, not that they dont have
their own problems but it's a different kind of thing, they cope in different
ways and all that. so this works as a good alternative, i can ramble about
random shit without feeling bad or even caring about how long this is or what i
include. it also helps that i made this public, cuz ngl i weirdly like the idea
of someone stumbling upon this and reading it? in a really weird way. like i'm
human and venting like this is how i cope, my brain is fucked up and i think
everyone's brain is at least a little fucked up so let's not try to hide that.
this is the side of me that i don't present often to others i don't know but i
like that it's easily accessible from the front page of my website, because this
is me, it may not be pretty but i'm fucked up and i'm not gonna hide that shit
cuz that makes things worse. with all of that being said... i think there's
something i gain from venting to friends / people i know that i can't get here.
the definitive knowledge that someone is listening and following along. it's
also why i love getting responses, they dont have to be suggestions or anything
cuz like the point of venting is to just get it out of my system, but just some
kind of response acknowledging what i said and saying like "hey i read this",
and i do the same thing when friends send vents to me, though of course i also
try to help when i can (often times i cant really do much about things, and
that's okay, i accept that. there are lots of professionals who are more
qualified than i am, especially for issues i dont personally relate to, and i
know that just having someone close to you listen to you is helpful in a way
nothing else can be, or maybe thats just me idk). so like i kinda wish that
someone i knew (or hell someone i dont know) would contact me about this, just
to say hey i see your reality log and i am reading it. i know this wont happen,
but damn i feel like that would do a lot for me, which is weird as fuck and i
cant explain it but maybe i dont need to. 3. there's no way i get through all
four years of college without having at least like ten mental breakdowns, if not
more. not that things are super terrible right now, they absolutely aren't, but
i'm realizing like yeah this is gonna fucking suck but for what i want to do
with my life its kinda a necessity, plus i want an education and a social life
that isn't shit. 4. going back to the second point, god maybe this isn't a
replacement for venting to friends. like it's definitely a step in the right
direction but there's a hole that still isn't filled (lmfao im horny i guess),
and i want someone to read this but i dont want to send anyone my reality log
and be like hey read this cuz that's weird as fuck. if no one reads this then im
still alone and just screaming into the void, holy fuck i sound like an edgy 14
year old im gonna stop. or maybe we shouldnt make fun of edgy 14 year olds cuz
theyre going through shit and they cope in ways that seem cringe to others but
thats because they process emotions strongly, and i acknowledge that i also
process emotion strongly so maybe i should cut myself some slack and let myself
be a little cringe. ok im done