woah i missed a couple days, how did that happen lol. time is going by fast,
theres no way in hell its been 5 days, i thought i missed like 2. anyways, this
one will be short cuz im not *super* motivated to write rn, but just a couple
things ive noticed: ive noticed ive been casually insulting myself more often.
by that i mean like ill VERY often just casually say something in my head about
how im a failure or dont deserve happiness, but im not even phased by it, like
thats a pretty bold statement to make and i just take it and go on with my life
like its nothing. i think thats a problem. i dont know why i keep saying it to
myself but i do and im so used to it apparently that i just internalize it, and
i can say i dont believe it, sure, but if its already internalized within me my
actions and stuff like that are going to be like i do hate myself and genuinely
dont think i deserve to be happy, which again i want to say isnt true because i
do deserve happiness and im not a failure, i know this, but i havent
internalized it. anyways in other news school is going cool i guess, lots of
mood swings and alternating between being okay with this and being like yeah
this is nice i belong here and being like HOLY FUCK i dont know what to do i
dont want this to be my life i dont want to be here. either way lol, my
housemates are cool, some are party animals but tbh its fun, like i dont hang
out with them all the time since that much social stuff gets exhausting and i
need time to recharge but when im in the mood or just have nothing else to do
its honestly fun and its nice cuz i dont have really any other friends here,
besides the one who i reconnected with from my old school, which i forget if i
already wrote about or not, and also like yeah its cool that i have that
connection as well, i dont see us becoming SUPER close friends but definitely
good friends since he also doesnt have any other friends on campus at the moment
lol, and he doesnt live in a house like me so he's kinda lonely. and i feel bad
and also feel like shit i dont have it that bad why am i complaining oh no here
come the negative thoughts again, ig im just faking it, damn wait my brain is
abusive as fuck what, literally throwing insults on me talking about how i'll
never amount to anything then denying that its doing anything at all, im
literally gaslighting myself lmao, cool so if only recognizing that made it stop
lol. idk how to classify it, cuz like i feel like i didnt used to think/feel
this way so ig its early stages of depression. but also depression is a very
broad thing that encompasses a lot, and like this isnt super serious depression
or anything, like i still have a life and can still live, i still feel emotions
and i feel happy at times. and i feel content sometimes. and i can do stuff. but
also im not gonna try to do any gymnastics here claiming that this somehow isnt
depression cuz like yeah it definitely is. at first i was in denial cuz i
thought nah i dont have depression i have adhd, and yes i do have adhd but this
is also depression, and definitely linked in one way or another to adhd (they
definitely work together to make my life miserable sometimes, thats for sure)
but yeah ok i lost my train of thought. i feel like everytime i sit down and
write this stuff it becomes depressing, like it paints a bleak picture of life
and how everything sucks, but thats not really the truth. thats just what stands
out to me right now, but i feel like i still live relatively normally, and im
not super depressed all the time or even most of the time. but maybe i am? i
have a warped perception of time so maybe, speaking of which apparently ive been
on campus for over a week???? thats actually bullshit. ok bye